Posted by: angelnorman | August 23, 2007

What the poo.

Monday: 1 accident of the easy-to-clean variety.
Tuesday: No accidents!
Wednesday: No accidents!
Thursday: 1 accident of the easy-to-clean variety, 1 accident of the not-so-easy-to-clean variety … and it’s just barely the middle of the day.

Now let us compare this to…

Monday: Guests in our home
Tuesday: No guests.
Wednesday: No guests.
Today: Guests in our home.

So. I might be going out on a limb here but all evidence seems to promote that Nick is not comfortable telling me in front of his pals or whoever is here when he needs to potty. When he’s just he and I, he’s telling me “Need go potty now!” like a madman. Today I’ve asked him 800 times and each time he’s told me that no, he doesn’t need to potty, and that yes, he is still dry. Big fibber.
———————————————————————————————-

Otherwise this week, I’ve been sort of blegh. I’m doing that crazy emotional thing that I do everytime my period fails to come and I PMS with no relief until I go to the doctor and get meds to force me into starting. Everything that is said to me affects me so deeply. Yesterday I cried and cried all the way to the hospital to see my friend J who just hd her second child, and Mike assumed this was because I was upset that she had had her baby and that I might even be a little heartbroken that I’m not having a baby… but he was so far off. Really, I am happy for them. I wasn’t crying about that at all. Truth is, I was crying because I just needed to.

I have been so overwhelmed lately.

Let’s see. First, I still can’t shake the grief I feel for the family I know who lost their son. I still feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about it. And even though this week is better than last because it’s not the ONLY thing on my mind, it’s still in a huge chunk of my thoughts. And then there are times when I stop and I think, “You know, I haven’t thought about that as much because I’ve done this or this” and then I sorta feel guilty that I’m able to not think about it. Does that make sense? Like on Monday, I was quite sick to my stomach to go to MNI for various reasons, but one of them was because it was at my friend S’s house, which is where I met my friend and her son, the one who passed away. And as I walked down the driveway I remembered all of this. Later that night,  I sat to think about how life just goes on. We were all there, talking about her care package and stuff but then we were also drinking and doing face masks and chatting and having a good MNI… how unfair it seemed to me. Not that we’re expected to all just stop. I know that it’s a natural thing to move on, I’m not trying to place blame or whatever. It just still seems so unreal. And unfair still. Very unfair.

The same thing happened this morning, when Nicholas walked up to be with a toy lizard much like the one I noticed at the visitation. Apparently the little boy was big into reptiles and insects and the like. I never got to know that until his death of course. Anyways, Nicholas hasn’t played with this thing in months and he brings it to me this morning and makes it bite my nose. And I smiled and I thought of Silas and Amanda and realized that I hadn’t thought of that since yesterday… and I guess it just makes me feel weird.

For her, I imagine much of life has stopped. I would think that were it me, my life would be over. I don’t know if I could move on from something so horrible. So that’s sort of why I guess I feel guilty. It seems so unfair for me to just be able to have a nice normal life when hers is so changed now. I don’t think I want to just forget so soon, I think I want to hang on to the grieving because I feel so badly for her and it feels like that is what I should be doing. I think the collection of the things for the care package has made me feel closer to the situation than anything else, and it gives me something positive to think about, something positive to do for another person who needs the love and prayers of everyone. I don’t want to move on and rush into other things. I still want to hold my kid tighter and watch him more closely and mourn for my friend and do whatever it takes to lift some of her burden off of her.

Other stuff in my head… Some things that my heart is near and dear to aren’t panning out the way I had hoped they would and so I’ve been doing a lot of prayer that God makes them turn out better. I have to leave them in His hands, right? So that’s what I’m doing. I know He has a way of making everything alright in the long run. I trust in that. Now I wish I could leave it COMPLETELY with God and not think about it anymore. At all. Pray and release.

And releasing is what I need practice with. There is so much I need to let go of….

But something that touched me very much last night, other than the birth of a BEAUTIFUL baby boy (7 lbs of sweetness!), was that my SIL A called and invited me and my little fam to meet her and her little fam for a local event next month. It made me feel really good that she called and asked us because we don’t always get to see them in that sort of environment, you know. We see them at birthday parties and at holidays and maybe sometimes when we randomly visit where they live. But it’s not as often as I would like, and rarely so close to home, and I am looking so forward to hanging out with her and my little nephews 🙂 Nick’s pretty excited about it too.

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Responses

  1. I don’t think it’s that Nick is embarrassed. I think it’s more that he’s busy and doesn’t want to take the time to stop hanging out with his buddies to go sit in the bathroom and take care of business. Could be either one, but for little boys that crack up over pooting….I’m thinking embarrassment isn’t an issue.


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