Posted by: angelnorman | September 23, 2007

Equinox and the alcoholic :/

So let me tell you a little bit about my childhood, not to dredge up the past and muddy up the present and certainly not so we can all sit back and feel sorry for me. But let me share with you so that you can all know why today I am not 100% happy, though I should be as it was a holiday of sorts for me. A self-made holiday, but a holiday nonetheless. And for some of you this recollection of mine might be vague; for others, namely my mother, I’m positive it will be crystal clear. In order for me to move on though, I have to release. So here goes.

I can remember him calling me and asking me to go to the movies with him. I was 12-ish, maybe. Probably not exactly 12… I honestly have a hard time remembering this point in my life, the point between his and Sandra’s divorce and his and Tammy’s seperation. But this memory sticks with me because I remember “dressing” up that night, so excited to finally see him after a good few months of well, not seeing him. My mom let me put on her makeup and everything, probably because I begged until she caved, and speaking of her, she probably knew the entire time that he wouldn’t show up. Yup, that’s right. He didn’t show up. He rarely showed up when he said. Still though, I remember this night as plain as day– me sitting on the front porch and waiting for this man to prove me wrong, to prove everyone wrong, and for one night, to not feel as if he was rejecting me. But he didn’t show up like he said. I’m not sure he even made it up to me.

I’ve been waiting for my whole life for him to prove them wrong, to make it up to me somehow. When Nick was born I thought for sure I had him back, that he’d be there for me like he is supposed to be as my father. Aren’t daddies supposed to be the rock their daughters stand upon? I dunno, maybe that’s only for the movies. The point is though that when Nick was born under the circumstances that he was, my family really banded together to support us and our child. The grandparents were so involved in his life then– always visiting him in the hospital, even without us being there. I would go in at night and the nurses would say, “He enjoyed a visit from your mother-in-law this afternoon,” or “It was great meeting your father today.” I loved that he did that, that he cared so much for Nick. For once I didn’t feel so rejected anymore by him; I felt embraced because he supported us so. He supported our child, his grandchild. He rooted for him, prayed for him, cried for him. He showed concern and love more then than he had in quite awhile.

Last night he called me again, definitely under the influence, though he swore he wasn’t buzzed (he’d only had two beers, he said… sure, and a whole bottle of something else I’d imagine.) And he said that we’d been on his mind, that he wanted to see us. He asked if he could come over Sunday. I told him sure, and he said he would be here at 12. I hung up the phone and told Mike about how he was coming over to visit, but of course I added, “Please don’t tell Nicholas.” Mike didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to jazz Nick up about a visit from him like I do when we’re about to see the other grandparents. “Because,” I explained. “He’s not going to show.”

Today I found myself waiting again for him to prove me wrong. Once again, he didn’t show. I called and left a message at 1, and at 6, during our equinox dinner, he called back and left a message where he said many times that he was sorry through a throaty, not-sober voice. He said he’s been apologizing to me his whole life, but that he wants me to know I’m loved.

Loved. Yes, I know. Embraced and accepted? I’m not so sure there. Not by him.

Alcoholism is the ugliest disease in the world. End of story.

 The rest of Equinox was lovely though. I moved this half of the post elsewhere. You can find it by clicking here.

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Responses

  1. ugh, i am sorry to hear that. just know that i love, accept and embrace you!
    and yummmmyyyy!!!!!!

  2. P.S. wreath looks awesome, and so does your page

  3. That sucks about your Dad. Addiction is horrible.

    Awesome work on the wreath!! I need to get on for our front porch.

  4. I’m sorry about your dad..but I know that you are a great example of what can come from that type situation..look how strong you are..I know I say that a lot..but it’s true…God really has pulled you through some tough crap..and I pray that your dad will prove them wrong one day..but one thing is for sure that when people say things about kids whose dad’s are alcoholics…YOU PROVED THEM WRONG.
    I love the meal..can you come cook it for me? LOL And the wreath…beautiful!


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