Posted by: angelnorman | October 24, 2007

Stuck in a rut? Yeah, join the club.

On one hand, I love my life. I have a great husband who is loyal and kind and who is a good father to our son. I have a child who is compassionate and intelligent and curious and fun-loving. I have family who loves me unconditionally, despite any headaches I may cause them. I have friends who are my backbone, my source of support and strength in my time of need. Liksewise, I have a lot of wonderful material possessions that while maybe not top of the line, are decent things of which I am thankful.

On the other hand, I feel stifled by my life, and I resent that big time.

So many times since becoming a parent I’ve been asked, “So Angel, what are you doing these days?” Stupid questions! I feel like telling people to mind their own when they ask me this just so I don’t have to take internal stock of my life afterwards each time. What this question means is what have I been doing with my time, my energy…. what do I do for work, to stay a productive citizen, to contribute something to the world in which I live. This question has always been sorta hard for me to answer because until recently I was quite embarrassed to say, “I am a stay-at-home mom. I take care of my kid, all day everyday, 365 days a year.” It’s stupid that I was ever embarrassed by this in the first place simply because I felt judged or labeled as lazy because I’m at home earning no income and doing things at a snail’s pace that working mothers manage to do in the few hours at night that they are home, namely housework. I’m always behind on my housework, so maybe that’s always played a part in why I have been embarrassed to say I’m a SAHM– cause I’m not very good at it, not like some people who are super mothers and can potty train and keep a clean house and entertain and still manage to fit in workouts and date nights with their husbands and maybe even meaningful sex, all in one day’s work. Anyways, I digress. I know now that it’s important work. Thankless, sometimes even thinkless at least on my part, but it’s not irrelevant. It’s my life’s work, and while I’m not good at it, I’m good enough at it to be raising a healthy child who is just the smartest little thing…. so I hafta be doing something right. And before you get your panties all twisted, please know I don’t resent my child or being a mother. These things mean more to me than anything else, well except fot my walk with God and sometimes my husband >:)

I guess that’s why it hurts me so bad when my life’s work, being who I am and contributing to our family in the only way I can right now, seems unappreciated by my husband. And this is the root of all my problems these days. This and then I took that stupid color quiz.

I can feel you rolling your eyes at me. But before you lecture me, hear this. I know it’s just for fun, that the results were probably as random as the colors I chose, and that you cannot base life issues on something as silly as quiz results. I’m not stupid. I know this. But some of the things said about me were so true that they struck a chord within me. I DO feel trapped by my life sometimes. I do look around and see mounting piles of laundry, dirty toilets, toys everywhere, and I think deep down, “Surely this cannot be all I was meant to experience.” It may sound selfish to you and that is fine, but it is partially my reality. I don’t stress it too much but when I read it in the quiz results, I couldn’t help but ache a little and think, “Yes, exactly! I do indeed make the best with what I’ve got, but I’m never ever happy or satisfied. What is wrong with me?”

The more I talk to my mom friends, the more I see it’s actually pretty common and it’s very natural. I mean, it’s a rare person who is thrilled with having to sacrifice their hopes and dreams while encouraging their families to achieve theirs. But we do it anyways because we love them and we want what’s best for them, even if that means sacrificing what we want a little in the process. In a way, it’s a lot like what God does for us. And I think about it and I realize that I would never want Him to stop sacrificing for me… so how could I then ever want to stop sacrificing myself for my husband and child?

Sometimes though I feel so stuck here, stuck in this routine, that dreaming for more makes no sense. Hoping that I may one day get to go back to school (after Mike finishes, of course) or that I may one day write a best-seller and/or change the world seems pointless. Dreaming at all that I can have more for MYSELF seems nonsensical. And do you know what I learned last night? MY HUSBAND feels the same way! So maybe it’s just a “I’m pushing thirty and my life isn’t where I thought it would be and I’m also feeling a little sorry for myself.” Maybe that’s all it is.

Anyways. All this is not to get advice or for you to feel sorry for me or anything. You can’t advise me on how to reclaim my dreams, and your pity will not benefit anyone at all. Finding my path is something I have to work on alone, with God’s steady hand upon me, directing me and guiding me until together, we reach the goal. It may take me my entire life. I may never get there… only God knows. What I wanted to really say is that this is my devotional for today:

“Don’t let your lack of expectations set the limit for your life. If you never expect anything good, you’re never going to receive anything good. If you don’t expect things to change for the better , then nothing will ever get better. Start expecting to overcome every challenge in your life. Live every day filled with anticipation of what God is going to do in your life and your children’s lives. He wants to bless you abundantly above all you could ask or think. So start expecting today!”

Wow.

And you thought I was exaggerating when I said this devotional book tells me everything I need to hear, and when. Ha.

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Responses

  1. thanks…


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