Posted by: angelnorman | November 7, 2007

P.S.

I’m really sick of being fat.

It’s this book I’m reading, I’m Not the New Me. It’s the memoir of an overweight woman on her path to thinness, and it hits eerily close to home. From the moment I learned she was a size 22, 230 lb woman who dropped the f-bomb as often as she dropped snarky retorts and made cynical judgments about everything from Weight Watchers to the stupidity of forums and internet lurkers despite being an active member of both communities…. from that moment on, I knew that it was no mistake that I found this book. The character of Wendy is the same as the character of Angel, only it’s me mixed with every other fat girl in the world who’s just a little tired of empire-waisted clothing and fat free (ff) or low-cal salad dressing. We all share each other’s pain deep down.

I have read a lot today. I finished off Jenny and The Jaws of Life and moved on to I’m Not the New Me without missing a beat. It’s been a low key day. Nick is not needy nor demanding… he’s read quietly, looked at photos from his baby photo albums, watched movies, and played nicely with his blocks, mostly solo, though I did stop the reading long enough to make towers for him to destroy. So I’ve had plenty of time to find myself horrified and equally offended when people tell Wendy that she has “a pretty face” or “could have anyone in the room if you just lost thirty pounds”.

I feel that same sort of pain. I know what it’s like to be embarrassed by your size, to fear conversations about it, to be wary of thin people dressed nicely. For me there’s little that’s as horrifying in the world than feeling as if someone MIGHT notice you’re fat and feel a great urge to inform you, like, “This time change sure has thrown me off schedule. Oh and by the way, you’re fat. Just thought you should know.” I feel this more strongly when sitting somewhere with someone who is expecting…. you know, when strangers come walking up, notice your pregnant friend’s belly, comment to the pregnant friend, to ask about her  pregnancy, and then awkwardly and very obviously glance over at your face, then directly down to your stomach… I swear I suck in everytime. I don’t want anyone mistaking my build for pregnancy; more so, I don’t want anyone to publicly ask me if I am expecting when I am not, because fumbling through humiliation and having to answer with all these sympathetic eyes on me would just be awful. Completely and utterly awful.

The worst for me is the way I feel in front of my very own family. My grandfather is a sweet, Godly man, but at my great-grandmother’s funeral, he came up to me while I ate a very chocolate-covered doughnut and asked, “You don’t have a problem with your sugar do you?” What? Simply because I’m eating a doughnut? The thought occured to me instantly to retort, If I were pregnant, this would be cute to you! You’d say, Have another! And another! You’re eating for two! Enjoy yourself. Somehow though, seeing a fat woman eating a doughnut, made him wonder if this fat woman had diabetes. ‘Cause you know, naturally fat people are all diabetic.

I’m not sure if that’s as bad though as his wife, my equally sweet grandmother, ask me if my doctor was worried about me getting pregnant accidentally. “Why would she worry?” I stupidly asked. “You know, I just meant, with your size.. would there be complications like before.” She meant well, I know. But I am sick with the notion that I got high blood pressure ’cause I was too fat and that I was the one who was responsible for my child being born prematurely. Guess what, lady? I am just as fat as I was when pregnant, only my blood pressure is fine.

As is my blood sugar, thanks very much.

And what is with my great desire to lose a bunch of weight before Nick’s birthday? I’ve thought so much about how I’m going to be as fat as I was last year, if not fatter, in pictures of Nick’s birthday party this year. I think that it’s this thing inside me, like I feel I have to prove to the world that I can lose all that pregnancy weight, and what better way to do it than to show them on Nick’s birthday that I’m thinner than before…? Why do I seek out this sort of twisted approval?

So many feelings have arisen these past few days, I don’t even know how to make sense of them. I am outraged at society’s lack of acceptance and their stupidity as much as I am my own self-loathing and lack of discipline. I want to slap people for things they say, hints they make at my size, but I am equally angry with myself for being this size. So does that make me some form of a hypocrite? I can get angry for others feeling the same way I do… is that logical? I just don’t get what gives anyone the right to say squat to me about being a size 20, 235 lb woman. What damn difference does it make to YOU PEOPLE?

I am sick of being this way, I’ve decided. And I have to do something about it. Eh… Eventually.

The only thing I did today was drink water. I made myself a baked potato, smothered in butter and cheese, and topped with ranch dressing (not fat free in the slightest). But I drank water, dammit, so that should count for something.

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Responses

  1. Sweetie,
    Don’t beat yourself up like that. You are just fine the way you are. I get tired of being fat too, but until I actually start the E word that I can’t stand to do, it is not just going to melt off of me. I have to start exercising. If someone asks me when my baby is due I am going to say December 2010 and then I am going to say the doctor said I could be later than that and then walk away. Whatever! I know people can say very hurtful things when they should just look in the freakin mirror themselves because everyone has a flaw or something of some kind. I look at it like this if they don’t have anything nice to say then they need to shut the crap up!!!!

    Anyways, just don’t be so hard on yourself, you are a beautiful young woman and I am very proud of you.

    I love you!

    Moma

  2. This makes me sad, Angel! I love who you are and I think you look great. You aren’t just totally out of control or extremely unhealthy . You aren’t just “letting yourself go” or anything even close to that. You are a great friend, a great mother, a great everything. Nothing people say makes that any less important. Know that you are Angel, and to me, that means you are great! 🙂

  3. hey! First of all I think you look great! 2nd, old people are just plain mean, but I don’t think it’s always intentional, they think it’s okay to say anything they want and get away with it, but it’s not, it’s hurtful! I know, I love my great grandmother dearly, but she is always making comments on peoples weight or appearance! Some days I don’t want to go to her house because I just know I’m going to be the next target!!! 🙂 Anyway I think you are perfect, and don’t EVER let any one make you think Nick’s pre mature birth is your fault, because it wasn’t, you didn’t do anything wrong! Some women’s body just doesn’t always react perfectly to pregnancy! And that’s ok. I’ve know so many people to have their baby early or get diabetes when they are pregnant and have blood pressure and fluid and all sorts of things, it doesn’t mean anything other than that’s just how your body is reacting. Anyway Love ya lots & think you are the perfect Angel! 🙂


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