Posted by: angelnorman | November 12, 2007

More on my mind.

Today the fruit of my womb is officially three. This means I’ve been a mom, a SAHM even, for three whole years. Let’s now take a moment to celebrate my survival of the terrible twos!

….

Woot.

Time just keeps on slipping away so fast. I feel a little sad these days when I think about it. Today, on the bus to the stadium, Mike squeezed my hand and said, “Three years ago today, right about now, we were checking into the hospital.” I smiled at him and remembered feeling like it was no big deal because all I had heard was, “24 hour observation at the most….” I didn’t know there was a snowball’s chance that I could be having a kid the next day, so early, with so much left to do. I still feel sorta emotional when I think of it, of the fear, of the look on Mike’s face when I asked the ultrasound tech, “What is the chance of survival?”

I know Mike. He didn’t want to think in those terms. He said later that he was so mad at me for asking something that, to him, seemed so morbid. But I had to know, before they took my child from me, if I was going to get to ever hold him, kiss him, hear him say he loves me. I had to know if the past 7 months had all been for nothing, because I had struggled and worried the entire pregnancy and everyone had always just blown me off. It was like I knew something wasn’t right, but no one would listen to me. Well, in their defense, it was my first pregnancy and you know how first timers can be… every little thing is a big deal. I’m sure I was no exception to this. I was damn sure not going to lose him without a fight, though. I earned the right to be a mom, I did. And I wasn’t going to let some doctor tell me that I couldn’t do it.

Sometimes I barely recall the details at all. I think that it feels so much like a bad dream a lot of the time that I just don’t want to. My heart has conspired with my brain to keep me from recalling all that hurt. And it’s a good thing, because I have so much to be thankful for and that is what I should concentrate the most on… He is such a blessing in my life and in the lives of others! But yeah, Mike and I both sometimes sit and reflect on what we went through and neither of us can recall every feeling. We just remember that there were good days and bad days… and we remember the prayers, some tears, the breast pumping, the bags of milk we froze, the smell of the NICU foam soap, the beeping noises, the numbers on his incubator, the faces of the other parents watching their children struggle to thrive…. the selfish anger we would feel when a baby graduated or was released while ours stayed behind, still sick…. the calls from parents every single day to see how we were… the breakdowns. The blame. The love. God’s love. God’s amazing and wonderful healing touch. The bond we then shared as parents, as a small family…. The despair when we learned that he need to have a piece of his abdomen removed. The prayers before the surgery. The sign from God Himself after the surgery. How we felt when we knew we had been ordained by God to raise this child, how worthy we felt to know that God had planned this all from the beginning and for such a purpose! How anxious we were to finally bring him home… how slow Mike drove that first car ride home.

All of it is nothing but broken thoughts that occasionally we can piece together to make whole days or weeks… even though it still never helps us recall the whole situation, the entire two months of what was both the best and worst time of my life, all at once. It all just happened so fast.

Kinda like the rest of the last three years. 😉 Now he’s big and healthy and smart-mouthed and rambunctious. But I love him so much… Way more than words could ever describe. He is by far the strongest kid I know, my little walking miracle. My greatest gift from my God.

So the next time you hear me complaining about my size and stuff, just remind me that God thinks I’m awesome just the way I am. He has to, or he wouldn’t have given me the greatest gift of all… the chance to be such a special little boy’s mother. And if God thinks I’m worth something so awesome, then I must not be so bad after all. 😉

On that note, I was feeling surprisingly on top of my game this weekend, despite last week’s despair about my size and other stresses that crept up and took over. I was feeling much better about that on party day, actually, thanks to my hair cooperating that morning and my makeup looking halfway decent. I even seen a pic of myself at the party that I didn’t hate! So there is hope for me yet in accepting myself the way I am… ha. The birthday party went off as smoothly as expected, although there were a few minor annoyances I had to deal with and rearrange plans for. My FIL got lost and he had our only cooler… so I was afraid I wouldn’t have any cool drinks for my guests (even though it was pretty chilly out, we needed ice to get our canned drinks chilled. I didn’t buy cups for the adults because I had planned on serving nothing but canned drinks.) And he was sick and wasn’t even going to stay, so I was feeling really bad for him…. But he did end up staying, so that was nice. Then my video camera died and I didn’t capture Nick blowing out his candles, which btw wouldn’t light because the wind was blowing too much, ha. So we had him blow one of those party blow-outs instead! Later that night we reenacted it with real candles and real flames… so all was well. You can see the previous blog for more on the party.

And speaking of being on top of the game… guess who is not on top of theirs? The entire Titans offensive line! Oh my goodness… what is wrong with Vince Young? I understand everyone has their off days but geez Louise… If we didn’t have an awesome defense, we’d be seriously hurting. We also scored Titans tickets for the Jags/Titans game today… 4 rows from the field in the endzone, baby. I actually got to see the Titans score a touch down like just a few yards away (although, again, I was surprised they even managed that!). It was so cool though! I love football games now, win or lose. Seriously. I’m slightly disappointed when they lose, sure…. but I’d go to any game, regardless of whether or not we score. It’s just THAT fun. There’s something about all the excitement of the people around you- the hootin’ and hollerin’ and beer-guzzling and high-fives with perfect strangers who you may never see again… Yeah, it’s worth every penny. And although we scored the tickets for free, we still managed to spend quite a bit of cash on some food and drinks. I might just become a football fan yet if I keep scoring these free tickets, though! GO TITANS GO!

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