Posted by: angelnorman | December 7, 2007

Depression is stupid, and so is the hype surrounding ‘The Golden Compass’ but you didn’t hear that from me.

I’ve been doing a fairly decent job with maintaining my moods I think. I feel far less depressed than I have pretty much all year. Could be the Christmas cheer, could be the busy-ness of it all. But I do know that I have felt the urge to scream and cry a lot less lately, something that would normally just happen two or three times a week due to general moodiness that I can never understand.

This time last year, I went to the doctor for the same darn reason I’m going next week– I hadn’t had a period in a while and I was really really depressed. My doctor thought it wise (no pun intended) to prescribe me birth control, depsite the fact that I didn’t want to be on the pill, and to tell me to lose weight. She said that my depression was a result of the season, nothing more. I know for a fact though now that my depression is a direct result of my body’s, well to put it quite bluntly, need to bleed. I have been dealing with this drama for well over a year, and her job is at stake if she blows me off this time! Hmph.

So yeah, I feel like I’ve been controlling the depression. This is on my mind because tonight it seemed to want to strike me down… I felt it looming over me like some vicious shadowy creature just waiting to pounce. I was laying there in my nice warm bubblebath, just relaxing and minding my own when out of nowhere I felt… empty. Sad. Disconnected and lonely. What the heck? I can’t even recall exactly what thought process triggered it. I know I was thinking about Mike, and about how little we get to see each other these days and just you know, hang out without an agenda. Then I thought about how maybe that would change, but what if it didn’t and I was miserable all through his Christmas break because he wouldn’t take the time to pay me any extra attention…

It was all very stupid, selfish thinking. Mike just had his first night off school in forever. He chose to use it playing a videogame. Big deal. I played with him– it’s not like he asked me to not play (in fact, it was quite the opposite; he’s always begging me to play!), and maybe in Mike’s head that IS quality time shared together. And his only exam is on Monday and after that, I’m sure he’ll spend more quality time with me doing more than just playing WoW. Yes, probably. So no more thinking on that. We are just fine.

I shook off the nasty thoughts way before they took hold and ran their course. And that’s what I mean when I say I feel like I’m more in control of the actual mood swing. I feel it, and I let it go. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to so easily shake off those feelings as they came over me. I know it probably makes no sense to perfectly undepressed people but it works out in my head and I’m sorta proud of myself. I feel like I’ve come along way or something. And since this is my blog, I’ll pat myself on the back a little more 😛

I think it’s the season really that is keeping me from wallowing in self-pity. I know there’s a higher rate of depression around the holidays and all for the majority of the world, but I can’t help but feel like it’s the only thing that is keeping me from totally losing my mind. I’ve not had a period since June/July. I can’t remember the exact dates, that’s how long it’s been. I’ve been feeling really icky and achey and moody… but then on the other hand, I’ve been feeling merrier. I mean, how can I not when I’m so focused on spending time with friends and family or buying little gifts to say, “I’m thinking of you” for my secret santas (yes, I have multiple… but only because I feel the urge to spoil a couple extra folks ;))? I mean, I am around people now more than ever. I’m a regular ol’ social butterfly. That is enough right there to make sure that I don’t feel lonely, eh? Furthermore… How can I buy a gift for Nick and NOT be excited about how awesome he will think it is? How can I not see and appreciate that his face lights up whenever we pass Christmasy things, like a well-lit Christmas tree or a Santa Claus inflatable on the lawn of our neighbors? And how can the merriment of buying a gift for a stranger, and not just any stranger but a child whose parents are unable to afford to put anything for him or her under the Christmas tree, not just make me feel so alive? I feel so full of love and purpose this season! Truly, I do.

The only negative feeling that is left to nag me is, “What about after Christmas? Will I still feel as happy-go-lucky then?” I suppose only time will truly tell.



  1. i had the same feelings this morning, some of it being lack of sleep and overdoing it with cookies (just like your last two blogs! ha!) reading this made me feel better. it seems like the last few cycles I’ve had the mood swings have been almost unbearable. I trying out the balance cream route. I’ll let you know how that goes.

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