Posted by: angelnorman | January 22, 2008

Tweaking the ending a smidge.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
-Maria Robinson

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about change. It is that thing that is always on my mind, most often as a positive concept, and the past week has been an incredible whirlwind of impulsive things that appear from seemingly nowhere that ensure it stay on my mind, ever-present and always nagging. Get pregnant. Write that novel. Read more. Move out of your little town. Lose 80 lbs. Take a knitting class. Get a job. Go back to school. Put Nick in daycare. Pay off all those bills. Get a haircut. These are only some of the catalysts hoping to spark change within that randomly tug at me, and I’ve been hearing them all and wanting so badly to act upon them.

The troublesome part to me is that I simply feel led by impulse. Knowing that these thoughts may all be coming from some deep inner issue, perhaps me grappling with my age and/or status in life, (or maybe it’s all vanity and materialism that has me wanting to do more, wanting to gain more from this world– and if so, then who the hell am I becoming?), I cannot afford to act on such whims, you know. Where does this need to change sit within me and wait for the right moment to appear? It feels so irrational and impulsive, to one minute be quite content with things and the next, want to change everything. I mean, in just the last week alone, I have been so ready to do a complete overhaul on my entire life. The only things I am content with are my relationships and the people in my life. But what good is that when I’m so not accepting of myself?

I worry that if I give into those impulses, I still won’t be happy and who’s to say I won’t want to change again in a month, in an entirely different direction than I currently want to go? I know change is a positive thing when in the proper direction. I get this and I believe this to the very core of my being. I cannot fathom why people are so hesitant to change some things more often, but in those terms, it’s less change and more “tweaking” maybe. How can anyone be so pleased with their lot in life that they aren’t constantly seeking more– whether it is more peace, more love, more happiness, more of a relationship with God– I mean, I am a firm believer that no matter who you are, you should always be working to make yourself full and whole. Bottom line: I’ve never been one to resist self-improvement. It’s just that I am so emotional these days and I don’t want that to be messing with this. I don’t want to act on emotion. I want to act upon real, valid concerns. Where there’s a real issue, that’s where I need to work.

And then it kills me how stuck in inactivity that I am by these things I want to address. I can’t just go out and get a job tomorrow. I can’t throw Nick in whatever daycare I wish. I can’t just decide to enroll myself back into college and start taking some courses. Not right away, not while Mike is in school and not until our finances are more in control. I can’t just drop 80 lbs without years of changing habits and exercising. I can’t just buy a house in the city and move.

So I was talking to some people about this issue, and the advice I got was to appreciate what I have more, but change little things and make the bigger things, no matter how impulsive they may be, goals for the future. Now I just need to figure out the easiest way to do this and attain a sense of accomplishment from it that will keep me on track. My husband, after arguing with me about how I “think too much” and getting rightly put in his place afterwards, seems willing to help me with all of it, so at least I won’t be going it alone.

Seriously though… Of course I think too much about things like this. Absolutely. Why? Because every single decision I make, including lifestyle changes, effects everyone in this house. I can’t just put everyone on a diabetic diet to shed my weight without taking into consideration how this might affect them. I can’t just throw Nick in daycare and not think about what this will do to him, to our relationship; get a job that will pay for daycare and earn us some extra income simulataneously without worrying how that job my might take away from my family; and I can’t do any of that anyways, not without first having transportation, which won’t come until having bills paid. And I can’t just pay off all my bills without budgeting and scrimping and saving thus still affecting the rest of the family. You see? And he can’t say that he didn’t go through the same over-analytical behavior when he was deciding to go to school. So c’mon now. It’s not like I’m refusing to act upon anything at all simply because I don’t understand it. I just want a clearer picture of where it’s going I guess. That, and I’m a mother, and an important part of this family. I don’t want to be callous and just act upon my whims without first giving thought to my precious child and what my changes might mean for him, good or bad. I will worry if I want. And that’s my perrogative, dammit.

So in his face.

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Responses

  1. after reading this i think you will so benefit from the artist’s way, it helps you identify those things you really truly want, and helps you turn off the censors that keep you from doing those things. maybe your impulses are probably flashes of what your heart or your mind is really striving for?

    I dont think you neccesarily have to appreciate more of what you have now, maybe you need to pick a goal and figure out what you need to do to get there. And have a goal each week to get you closer to a bigger goal….oh wait….you pretty much already said that. but maybe if you are doing something each week that draws you toward that bigger goal, you won’t feel as stuck in a current situation.

    Nick is getting closer and closer to school age anyway, so i think these thoughts are natrual….

    ok…i’m just rambling…..

  2. oh and i wanted to add i feel like i am in a similar spot….tyring to figure out where to send the boys, how to get a job for while they are in school, if and when i want another baby,

    It sometimes feels like this is the perfect time to get ready to have another kid for us, but then i wouldn’t be able to work and make more money to send the boys somewhere really great for school, so i go back and forth….it can be aggravating sometimes, and i can sometimes wish that things would just ‘happen’ so that i wouldn’t have to dewll on these decisions…

    maybe we can start ourselves a support group for change….. : ) and i’m not joking…..

  3. I agree with em’s….make one goal a week like, “write chapter one of novel,” and try and stick with it…also i am working on my RN degree online, you are a smart girl and online classes might be something you want to look into…check out istudysmart.com….you can do it from home when you have the time and most of it counts at places like MTSU because you CLEP the credits

  4. http://www.wochurch.org/resources_sermons.htm

    Listen to “Difference Makers”.


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