Posted by: angelnorman | April 2, 2008

Be free, little girl.

One of the things I love about Bible study is how it always makes me think. Oh, how I love to think, to contemplate things and make real life applications with them and really understand what is being said or how it speaks to me. I just love the act of thinking, of  learning and comprehending. Now I’m not saying I’m always good at it, but I do love to do it.

Last night’s Bible study seemed to be written just for me. Sometimes, they all feel like that, probably because we all go through so many of the life lessons that the Bible teaches, especially on the pages of Genesis. Hopefully we’re not all getting our dads drunk and sleeping with them– EW, c’mon Lot’s daughters!!! You’re gross! And hopefully we’re not slaughtering whole towns with vengeance in our hearts. But we do go through some of the more subtle themes- relationships gone awry, favortism in parenting, breaking the cycle of addicting behaviors, learning to listen when God speaks and trying to be as obedient as possible yet sometimes being manipulative about it. Oh, how beautiful I think Genesis is. It’s by far my favorite book of the Bible now. It’s really really good, and I love learning about it.

Last night’s study was about Joseph and the awful events that took place when his already jealous brothers heard him bragging about the dreams he had. The actual theme was on anger, how it can destroy us, and how we ought to be very careful on what we plan when we distance ourselves from our issues because it might just be what we act on when we’re in the moment. I don’t know how many times in the last couple of months I’ve vowed to never again speak to those who have wronged me. “I won’t do it. I won’t let them continue to hurt me!” I’ve said. And I’ve thought about how nice it would be to just stop the cycle by forgetting these people and keeping my heart safe from any extra pain. But the truth is that I think Beth Moore is right when she says she doesn’t believe that our psyches can differentiate between a thought and a plan. I can think, “Maybe I’ll just stop talking to so-and-so for awhile” and so I act upon it without really thinking it through. Soon I learn that just because it’s out of sight, that doesn’t mean it’s out of mind.

Listen to me clearly here. A grudge does no one any good. All it does is further bound you to whomever you’re holding that grudge against. I should know, because I am queen of the grudge against a certain person who I feel has wronged me in the past. And what I feel is so bad about the whole situation is that this person has never just said, “I’m sorry, Angel. I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you and made you feel worthless or rejected. I’m sorry that I’ve caused you pain!” No, instead this person flipped the drama onto me and made it a “don’t you point your finger at me when you’re not blameless yourself” sort of argument.

I realized last night that I will probably never get from him what I need– that apology and his genuine effort, and even if I do, it may not have the results I hope it does. It may not make me feel better like I think it will… it could leave me yearning for our lost time, etc. He doesn’t get it though, not right now. He doesn’t get that he’s hurt me.

But guess who does get it? God. And last night, I heard him urging, “Baby… let it go! Only I can heal you and make your pain disappear! Let it go, and be free!”

So I did what I love to do so much– I thought about it. And I shed some tears and talked with God and I’ve decided He’s absolutely right. (As if there was a question! Ha!) But I am letting it go. Really this time. I have to. Grudges only eat at the people who hold them; and I’ve got not much left to give on this matter. So I’m done with it. I’ve given it to God again and I trust that He will guide the situation as long as I allow Him full reign on it. He can have it! I want to be free.

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