Posted by: angelnorman | April 13, 2008

A great need indeed.

Dear God, it would so suck to leave them. Please don’t make me do it, Father. I know that my husband’s happiness and the growth of our family is more important, but I am so scared to lose them and have to be forced into finding new people to fill their roles in my life. And ugh! The thought of them replacing me with someone else… someone who probably uses “saw” properly and who is less elitist….  Don’t make me leave the only people I’ve ever felt a connection to that I didn’t have a blood connection with. Please, God. Don’t make me miss their kids’ birthdays and their own birthdays and their anniversaries and Christmases. Don’t make me miss watching their kids grow and watching them grow as people. Don’t take me away from them, where the only connection I have to them is made with a computer.

I bet you thought I was about to bust out with Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”, didn’t you? Well I may before the end of this blog.

Did you know my friend Emily lives 12 minutes away? Twelve! I learned this tonight when I drove home from her house. And Ashlee lives maybe 20 minutes away, depending on traffic and/or how fast I drive. With the exception of Michelle and my mom, the people who are closest to me are also very close in distance. And I know that doesn’t mean everything, but to me it at least means something. And I’m so afraid of going down there and being alone. Not lonely, because of course loneliness is inevitable. I mean, truthfully, that happens to me now and I live here surrounded by all kinds of people. Loneliness just happens. I’m also positive I will make new friends and therefore the loneliness won’t be so bad. But what I mean is that I don’t want to get down there and just have no one who gets it, who understands me, who is willing to be there for me and watch my kid, and help me out when I need it. I am afraid to end up with no close connection at all to anyone.

And isn’t that a terrible thing to think? Need I remind anyone how I ended a blog, a couple of blogs back? Yeah, something about how the only real connection I should want is with God. Friends will come and go I said. God is with me always. And He is. And I know this. So why does the possibility of being alone seem so real? Why does it hurt when I think maybe I’ll get there and be miserable? Why do I feel physically ill just thinking of leaving it all behind? Cowardice? Dependency? Fear? Love?

I’m not asking anyone to cheer me up here or to comment and try to bring me some great clarity or rational thinking. No. I’ve asked God for those things and I’m confident He is providing and will continue to provide exactly what sort of peace of mind I need. But I’m also praying that He hurry up with it, because my need for clarity and thinking positively and confidently is a great need indeed. And I need to be delivered from this mental anguish. I also need to stop feeling this way because I think it’s making my husband feel like I don’t care about his happiness.

I’m in a glass cage of emotion here (I need to watch Anchorman and heal all my emotional wounds with Will Ferrell’s superb portrayal of Ron Burgundy), but I will live. I will make it! I will get through this. Won’t I? Yes. I hope so.

Oy vey.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: