Posted by: angelnorman | June 5, 2008

you wouldn’t understand.

The past few days, I’ve been struggling with the idea of lost passion. Perhaps it was a combination of things– like the fact that Mike’s new job is almost finalized as of yesterday or that I had to make a list of things I was involved in for an assignment out of the Positive Mom book and all I could list was “Bible Study” and “Playgroup”. I have had so many thoughts of “Well mike gets this cool promotion, and everyone gets to pat him on the back for a job well done… but what do I get? No one comes to me and says, ‘Hey, Angel, good job on your housework!'” And isn’t that sad that housework, child-rearing, and playgroup are all I have outside of my relationship with God? What it was that prompted my depression over these things I’m not for certain. Last night it came to a head though when I watched Reality Bites in its entirety and then cried for my lost youth, and thus my loss of passion.

Yesterday was like the day when my 17 year old former self came knocking at the door.

Luckily my husband doesn’t typically brush me off as hormonal or crazy. He listens to me and he doesn’t judge. I’m very fortunate to have someone like this in my life, so close to me even. We had a nice long talk (cryfest on my part) about where we once believed we’d go and where we ended up, the things we used to dream about versus the things we stuck with and made into reality. We decided it wasn’t all bad and then we were laughing and happy again. But we both agreed that we felt it from time to time, pressing down on us and making us really uncomfortable.

My biggest complaint is that sometimes I feel like my life is over. How, at 28, do I have any right to feel this way? Self-pity aside, I think it’s quite possibly that I feel imprisoned here most days. I feel like this is how life is now and that is just something I must accept. Only I can’t accept it fully. It probably makes no sense to anyone else out there, so I’m not going to bother going into much more detail. It’s just that I had dreams once, you know? Real and valid dreams. But I checked them all at the door of motherhood.

What would I do with my life if I could do anything? If I had infinite amounts of money, where would I go with it? I don’t even know, that’s the sad part. I have no plan anymore, nothing that I even want to do. And the worst part is that neither does my husband, save for this new job.

No wonder we are stagnant. The issue now becomes, how do we fix it? How do you reclaim passion? Can that even be done? Is passion even real or is it only found in the pages of movie scripts? Is everyone just doing whatever makes them happy on the surface or are there people with real, lasting passion for things who are happy and functional? It’s all rhetorical, by the way. Just thoughts.

And I don’t really feel like hearing any preaching today, so don’t bother.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. For you to reflect on: AEKLBJAO;ILEJB;ILAHEKLGJMNLAJKBKLJadbiljaekljbakljewkljgaklsjekabjkljeklbjkljkldgjklajelgje. I’m such a good preacher.

  2. sounds eerily farmiliar…..sometimes, i think, if i have to give one more bath i swear i am gonna shoot myself…..i know what you mean, i feel your pain and love ya

  3. that’s so wild that you wrote this, I thought it was just me! I’ve been feeling the EXACT same way! I love my daughter and husband, but it’s like, what has my life become? I too had so many dreams and so much passion, but those days seem so long ago, I really don’t feel like I have any direction in my life as to where I’m going. I have a job that pays the bills, but it’s not what I want to do, yet 8 years I’ve been here, because, I need the money & insurance. And the sad fact is, I don’t know what I want to do with my life any more, and I’m tired of being stuck in the rut of having to arrow pointing in the direction I want to go. Is Passion only for the young? Does life get you down and suck the passion out? I don’t know. So no preaching here, but you are not alone. If you get any great ideas on how to get ya passion back holler at me and give me the big secret! Love ya!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: