Posted by: angelnorman | August 12, 2008

Remembering Silas.

Today, I remembered a small friend I met once upon a time by the name of Silas Botner. Now, I didn’t really get much of a chance to get to know Silas, or his mother Amanda, but my son played alongside him at an Artsy Mamas playdate once, just over a year ago; while this doesn’t connect me to the same level as other Silas-celebraters as much as say, those closest to the family, it does at least prove some sort of connection. And I am a firm believer that one single tiny connection is really all that any of us need to feel for one another.

I will never ever forget that day when I visited the funeral home to pay my respect to Silas’s family. Honestly, it will be with me forever because it affected me so deeply, more so than I could even ever put into words. Something else happened to me in that tragic few days, though. My world changed, really. Not at all on the same scale as anyone who knew him well, I’d imagine. But in many ways, my attitudes and my beliefs regarding life and death and even my outlook on parenting changed forever in that moment, when I saw his pictures, his toys, when I felt how loved and missed he was and would always be. My whole point of view on so many things changed.

Today was the anniversary of his death, and as per his mother’s request, I did something to honor Silas. I honored my role as a mother. And while the day wasn’t perfect (we had three potty accidents- 3! one of them poo, too), I spent as much of it as I could holding my son and reminding him often how loved he is– how loved he will always be, despite accidents. I stayed away from the phone, though I wanted to call people several times throughout the day, and only made calls that were necessary to make and only when he was eating or sleeping. We stayed in and spent time with one another, playing with play-doh, snuggling on the couch, racing cars, and playing hide n’ seek. We were present with one another, not thinking ahead to tomorrow (honestly, each time I thought about him going to school while I was holding him in my arms, I wanted to cry– and I maintain that I will not be sad tomorrow. I’m so excited for him, how could I be sad?!) We lived in the moment all day, for good or for bad.

For me, it’s a celebration of the life of a small child I once had the privilege to meet AND for the life of another child- a child who I brought into this world, the child I raise each day, the one who is sleeping in my house right now just across the hall. I want every day to be like today. I want him to know, if tomorrow is our last day on this earth together, that he was infinitely loved by me.

Furthermore, I want to wake up every day and say to myself that my wealth WILL NOT be measured by the size of my house, the car in my driveway, the things I’m able to do, to afford. My wealth is measured in love only, and Nicholas is my most precious, most invaluable gem. Today, I felt like the richest woman in the world.

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Responses

  1. This is still just so sad. 😦

  2. Today I spent some time with another one of Amanda’s good friends. We talked about Silas and we talked about the gift basket. I was sure to correct her when she thought it was my idea. I said, “NO, Angel Norman put that together.” We didn’t make it to the grave site today but I hope to make it some time this month. Let me know if you’d like to join us. I still talk to Hunter about Silas and I am sure to always do that. What’s even crazier is that I started reading a book and what was the main male character’s name? You guessed it.

  3. what a tragedy that was. there is no better way to honor him, than in what you wrote and did! good job. there is nothing so sad as going to a baby’s funeral. we have to make sure as mothers we do remind them all the time how much our children are loved.


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