Posted by: angelnorman | August 24, 2008

I feel

I feel like I’ve aged at least 5 years.

I feel disconnected, resentful, somewhat imprisoned.

I feel like Nicholas overdid himself on Friday.

I feel like time is crawling.

I feel like the surgeon is too busy to come and check on my child.

I feel like being left alone, though.

I feel like I need quiet.

At the same time, I feel like I need to hear about someone else’s problems.

Then I feel like I can’t handle any more sadness.

I feel all mixed up.

I feel like no one understands me.

I feel like Mike is being mean to me sometimes. I feel like I am being mean to him. I wonder if we’ll make it through this one and be closer, like we did when he was born and the whole world collapsed around us. There we were, holding on to one another and clinging to our faith in the middle of uncertainty, doubt, hopelessness, and fear. It doesn’t feel the same this time. It feels chaotic and unstable, like we could both punch one another at any given time and the “punchee” wouldn’t be that surprised.

I almost feel like he expects me to snap at any moment.

I feel RELIEVED, though, because I just heard that the surgeons are not surprised that Nicholas threw up and that all they hope to do is give him a little more time to let his belly recover. They said they don’t think he overdid it, they don’t think it’s abnormal that he’s throwing up, etc. I feel reassured now, that it’s going to be alright.

I feel like I need a moment to collect my thoughts. I feel like I need to cry but I cannot.

I feel like watching Avatar.

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Responses

  1. I wish I could help!! I feel so bad for you….please know that all of you are still in my prayers!

  2. I feel like coming to see you and talking girly language..LOL

  3. That makes me sad! I totally understand though, I think I am still feeling all of those things. I don’t think it will get better until you know for sure that your kid is going to be ok and you get back to a somewhat normal life.

  4. Nick didn’t overdo it friday. His mother’s friends who were punching each other with the Hulk fists (especially that one that kept talking about the suppositories)? Yeah. Those two really overdid it.

  5. I’m so sorry you are having to go through all of this! I know it must be hard being all cooped up. I think you need a break! Try letting Mike stay with Nick and you go walk around outside for 15 min. or so or run and get ya’ll something healthy to eat, then give Mike the chance to do the same. That way ya’ll will both get a very much needed break! Take Care Ang. I’m praying for you.

  6. Someone else’s bad news: My student loan didn’t get sent to MTSU on time and it cracked everything out for me. I have it fixed now.

    I know that doesn’t compare to what’s going on with you. I am sorry we haven’t been able to visit. We have had an incredibly busy, pre-planned month of August and when I do have a snippet of time, I just never can get the energy to load them up and come visit. I apologize. Whenever we know that you are coming home, we are planning to bring you dinner, though, if that’s any consolation.


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