Posted by: angelnorman | September 2, 2008

Insomnia is persistent

You know what it feels like?

It feels like I’m still in the hospital, only now it’s just who I am and what I do. It’s a part of me. A part of me I didn’t ask for, and a part of me that won’t go away. It feels like a part of me is stuck there still.

I don’t expect anyone to understand, but I still feel isolated and disconnected from my life outside my little nest- not just from the people in my life, though I do feel that way too. Every thing outside of my little family, except for a few major things of course like God, my country, and trying to stay abreast of the latest fashion trends (kidding on that last one), seems way less important to me than it ever has before.

I’d say that’s pretty healthy. Right? I mean, it’s probably because I had this huge thing to deal with that caught me way off-guard and it’s going to take some time for me to readjust, right? Things were put into perspective for me, and the things I used to care about don’t even come close to being in the same realm of importance anymore. I mean, realistically my kid could have died. Surgery, and anesthesia especially, is scary and dangerous. It was a pretty big deal! So of course I feel like nothing else in this world matters anymore. That’s normal, eh? No biggie.

Only it is sort of big, because I can’t get this off my mind. My kid didn’t die. I need to snap out of this sort of mental lock-down I’ve got going on, and I know this. I am blessed, thoroughly, and some people would give everything they have to be in my shoes. I understand this, I really and truly do. And I know that I’m in serious danger of losing control because every single day I have to keep myself from writing off friends and loved ones, and, you know, isolating myself from everything and everyone I used to love. And that is, by my calculations, absolutely not normal.

I just don’t know where or how to start in snapping out of this little mental breakdown I’m having.

It’s like I’m struggling to find my normal self in all this. I know that it’s super important that I get back to business, that I get back to being me again and doing everything that I do that well, makes me me. Only that all seems so unfamiliar now. People I love seem unfamilar to me. Even the ones who were with me every day in the hospital seem to be suspiciously new to me, as if everyone except for me, Mike, and Nicholas has changed all of the sudden and now I don’t recognize anyone.

The probability though of the world around me changing and leaving me in the dust is highly unlikely. Of course it is more likely that I’ve changed; I’m just not sure how I’ve changed. If I knew that, then I could un-change it and go back to being me, right? It would be so simple if only I could make sense of it.

All I can say about it is that it’s happened and I can’t go back to being that old me. I’m not even sure I know who that is anymore. Srsly.



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