Posted by: angelnorman | September 23, 2008

Catch a clue.

One of the things I really love about this time of the year is that it stirs within me the desire to simplify, to take stock of my belongings, to weed out what I no longer need and stock up on more of what I cannot do without. I think I love this the most about autumn, really. Maybe it speaks to the animal instincts we as humans can feel during this time. After all, our animal brothers are all doing the same thing, stocking up on food and preparing themselves for winter. It makes sense that we could possibly have the same urges.

However, the thing I love most about this time of year may also be the thing I hate most.

It seems that every autumnal equinox, I cannot help myself but to reflect on my relationship with my dad. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, namely because I’m angry at him again, and though I’ve been trying to ignore my feelings towards him, I found myself contatcing him yesterday. I’m not sure if I was hoping to say something nasty to him or what. I know that sounds terrible of me, because I’ve said many times that I’ve forgiven him for his part of our failed relationship. But yesterday I almost felt like I could be mean to him, and it was a side of me I didn’t like.

I think it goes hand-in-hand though with how I feel during this time of year. I want to know where I stand with people, I want to just cut ties with those I have bad relationships with so that I don’t carry them with me into the new year. I want to simplify the confusion, clear out any possible cause of conflict, and detach myself from sources of drama that I cannot deal with in the coming months. It’s in my nature. I do this every year. Last year, my dad and I had another blow out on autumn equinox… funny, huh? A little ironic? But it makes sense. Even I can reach my breaking point, and what better time to do it than when I am taking stock of what sucks in my life? Ha.

And in this case, I feel I’ve reached that point yet again. I either want him to be in my life or not. This half-assed attempt at being my father, and more importantly, Nicholas’s grandfather, is something with which I feel I just cannot deal right now.

I cannot stand half-assedness anyways. I’ve always been like that, any time of year.

Yesterday he sent me an innocent email. It was sent out to a lot of people, he was just asking if anyone could take his dog for him and give her a good home. I wrote him back, and I brought up the grandparents’ day card issue I am having with him. He replies to say that yes he got it and sorry he hasn’t gotten back to us yet. It was so cute, he added. That is all. No, “I’d like to see Nick now that he is better” or “Hey, let’s do dinner soon.” Nothing. No further attempt to “be in our lives”.

Back at the beginning of August, HE gave ME a sort of ultimatum, a “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” sort of negotiation in which he promised that if I brought Nick to his work to see him, he would try to be a part of Nick’s life. I believe he referred to it as “a step towards” him being more present in Nick’s life. He visited and called while Nick was sick and in the hospital, but afterwards? Nothing. Not a thing. He has called me one time in the last month since we’ve been home. ONCE.

And what kills me is that I bend over backwards for these grandparents of Nick. I send cards and emails and pictures and I try to keep them in the loop. I always make sure to include my dad in this, despite the fact that we see him twice a year. And in return, I am met with someone who will never appreciate the great lengths I go to to ensure that he is a part of my son’s life. It is pretty evident by his “ultimatum” that he is clueless and he probably always will be.

The dark side of all this change, the taking stock, and the weeding out the rubbish is that it makes me want to forget about improving this relationship at all. It’s not the right thing to do, and I know that. But it’s not easy turning the other cheek. It never is.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. From reading your blog, I see that your Dad really doesn’t want to put his own foot forward to be in a relationship with you or your family. If he truly wanted anything out of it he would ask if he could come over or just meet him at McDonalds so he could buy Nick a Happy Meal. To tell you the truth he sounds ALOT like my Stepbrothers Dad. He only came in there life if someone had mentioned them in a conversation (which wasn’t alot since not many people knew of his sons) or if he needed them for something, ie. ride to the store. Went to my youngest Stepbrothers wedding last year and at the hotel that we stayed at their Dad was there. He went up to my oldest stepbrother and told him congrats on the wedding. He had his sons mixed up. He didn’t even know which was which. If he was around he would have known that my oldest stepbrother is 6’2″ and fair with strawberry blonde hair while the youngest is 5’9″ with dark blonde. It is sad. They have a better and stronger relationship with my Dad then they have ever had with their own.
    Angel I think you know what do to with your relationship with your Dad. You have done so much and have gotten nothing in return. I think in the long run it will only hurt Nick to have a grandparent run in and out of his life. You need to keep you and your family’s life healthy.

  2. I’m so sorry Angel…dad’s are so confusing…I hate that in life. Just know I”m thinking about you and this situation. LOVES.

    If you ever want to blow steam off about him..I’m here to listen.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: