Posted by: angelnorman | October 22, 2008

Just try me.

“It sounded sort of quaint until I spoke to-”

Nick: Mommy! Can I have some fruit snacks?
Me: (unwilling to put my book down and move from my warm spot on the couch) If you can get them, you can have them.

“… a man named Oscar-”

Nick, from pantry: We’re out of fruit snacks!
Me: No, we have a whole box in there.
Nick: Not Transformers, just Batman.
Me: Then it looks like it’s Batman or nothing.
Nick, sighing: Okay.

“a man named Oscar, who filled me in on a few of the details-”

Nick: Can you open these?
Me: Sure. Here.
Nick: Let’s talk about birthdays.
Me: I’m reading. Watch Zaboomafoo and enjoy your fruit snacks.

I grumbled and returned to my reading, trying to search for where I’d left off. It didn’t matter, though, because a few minutes later, Nicholas began throwing things at me.

Me: Nicholas, please don’t throw things. Sit down and watch this tv or so help me God, I’m turning it off.
Nick: No, I’m watching this!

“One doesn’t want to be too much of a cultural chauvanist-”

Nick: Mommy, look at my babies!
Me, glancing at his armfuls of animals: Awesome. They’re very cute.
Nick: Can I get a doll for my birthday?
Me: What kind of doll?
Nick: A baby. A girl’s baby.
Me: Hm, maybe.
Nick: What are you doing?
Me: Reading, remember?
Nick: Can I have more fruit snacks?
Me: No, that’s enough.

“but this seemed completely wrong to me.”

Nick: Can I have cheese then?
Me: Cheese cubes are in the fridge.
Nick: No, not cubes. I want squares.
Me: Fine.

I got up and retrieved a piece of American cheese and folded it into quarters.

Me: Happy?
Nick: Yes. Thanks.
Me: Sure.

“Santa didn’t used to do anything. He’s not retired and, more important, he has nothing to do with-”

Nick, standing in front of the TV: Look at me mommy.
Me: I see.
Nick: No, you can’t see. I’m standing here and you can’t see the Teebee.
Me: I don’t want to see the TV. I hate the TV right now. I wish it was off and you were in your room playing so that I could read more than one sentence at a time.
Nick: Let’s talk about my birthday.
Me, handing him the Big Toy Book from Toys R’ Us: I tell you what, you read through this and find the one thing you HAVE to have for your birthday. Just pick one thing that is your favorite.
Nick: Okay.

This gained me a solid minute of quiet.

Nick: I want this.
Me: It’s too big. We don’t have room for a train track in this house, Nick.
Nick: But my room is clean and it has room in the floor.
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Find something else.

“The rooms were large and bright-”

Nick: Can I have a Capri Sun?
Me: Finish your milk first.
Nick, wearing a book on his head and dancing around: Look at me, Mommy.
Me, holding the book directly in front of my face so as not to be able to see him and thinking, “Man! I just want to read one sentence.”
Nick: Can I have PopTarts?
Me, still not looking at him.: Eat your cheese.
Nick: Can I have a sandwich?
Me: Eat. Your. Cheese.
Nick: I don’t want it.

And with that, he ran towards me before I could stop him, and ripped the book from in front of my face.

Nick: Ha. Ha. Ha.

Seriously, just like that.

I put the book down. He wins.

Tonight Mike will come home from his astronomy test whining and moaning about how he should have studied harder, or about how he’s hungry and how we never have anything good to eat here anymore, or maybe he’ll ask why I’ve been reduced to a lump on the couch, covered in toy cars and fruit snack wrappers.

If he’s real dumb, he’ll ask me if I finished that book that I was reading when he left and whether or not I enjoyed it.



  1. ok, so I have to laugh, because this excerpt could have been taken from a scene right outta my house! My reading is few & far between, and when I try, this is about what happens!! Even the whole throwing things and taking the book! It’s crazy! lol! Keeping my fingers crossed, Mike doesn’t dare ask about the book! lol

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