Posted by: angelnorman | October 23, 2008

This post is not good for sensitive eyes that hate personal stuff.

Warning: This post makes mention of my private parts. If you are bothered with even the thought of my personal biznass, then please look away now. I posted a really cute blog about Nick as a cowboy that you can read. I also posted pics from Discovery Center.

The pelvic ultrasound: not so bad. Was there a wand involved? Yes, yes there was. And did that wand go places I can’t rightly blog about? Uh huh. I sort of knew it wouldn’t be the nice and easy type of pelvic ultrasound, like the one I had when we determined that Nicholas was indeed a Nicholas with the lady who was void of all emotion pressing her probe ever so harshly into my abdomen. Oh to be so lucky! This was more like the one I got when I first learned I was pregnant and they walked in to find me still clothed and were all, “Yeah, you need to put this gown on and undress…” And I was all, “Say what? Are you even going to buy me dinner first?”

I think you catch my drift.

So all the way into Nashville, I had several horrible scenarios play out in my mind. In the first one, they find that I have cancer and decide to gasp and freak me out right then and there. In the second or third or 80th, I am greeted by a MALE ultrasound technician and I am nervous about having some strange man between my legs. Are ultrasound techs even real doctors? That creeps me out. So I have to refuse the test and he’s all, “C’mon, what’s the problem?” And I’m like, “You! Keep your wand away from me, perv.” Because I do not understand how normal, sane men become gynocologists or any profession where they have to work closely with the female reproductive organs without said men being just a tad pervy. Give me a woman any day. Yes, there’s a chance she could be a lesbian, but it’s less likely than a man being a pervy man, let’s face it. Men are naturally more pervy anyways, so I’d say there’s a high probability that your male OB is creepy and pervy. He’s either a perv or he’s gay, and I guess that’s a little less creepy.

So I got to the Vandy Women’s Imaging place, and I signed myself in. The waiting room was lit up and the walls were adorned with cheerful decorations, not overly peaceful in design like my OB’s office, who clearly designed the space with angry pregnant women in mind. It’s important to keep them calm you know, especially when you make them wait 45 minutes to see you sometimes. There I was, minding my own and making silent remarks about the decor (“I like that picture over there!”) when I remembered that I brought my David Sedaris book and I could actually read it without interruption this time. Imagine my delight as I sat back, relaxed a little, and found the spot where I had left off before being so rudely interrupted yesterday.

A paragraph into it, a soft spoken woman stepped into the lobby and called my name. Figures, I thought, and made my way to the US room with her. On our way there, she told me that she would be doing the ultrasound and that I should undress because, you guessed it, they were not looking through my belly. (*sigh*) So I undressed, gowned up, and hopped on the table.

Here’s what blew my mind.

She let me work the wand for myself, at least for the first part. She didn’t even so much as look under the sheet, totally respecting my privacy. Bonus: I didn’t have to feel violated or anything by a stranger with a probe, and then once I had did my part, she took over, showed me pictures of my uterus and ovaries (I couldn’t see what she was showing me. It was very much Friends-like, in the one where Rachel couldn’t see her baby.)

Here’s why it blew my mind, though. I groomed myself so thoroughly last night that my bathtub ended up looking as though a small rodent had been shaved in there. One of my worst nightmares is that I go to the doctor and I am not, um, landscaped and lookin’ good, you know what I’m saying? And I worried that I had missed a spot– or as is more common, a whole patch of leg hair– in some of my scenarios, but that worry was totally pointless at this place. At any other doctor’s office? They would have been all up in my stuff. So that was impressive.

Also, I felt in control of the situation. Never once did I begrudge the test after that, even when it was uncomfortable. I even told a joke and laughed at the expense of my right ovary… this is not my normal behavior in that sort of situation.

I think women’s health is somewhat torturous. It is so unfair that every single year we have to be forced to open our legs and allow grossly uncomfortable tests to be done. Men don’t even have to go to the doctor regularly until they’re over 40. They are simple creatures with simple innerworkings. We womenfolk, on the other hand, have complicated systems that, if not regularly checked, COULD KILL US. How unfortunate for women, really. I mean, don’t we have enough to worry about as moms, daughters, sisters, wives, and aunts? Do we really need the extra stress of yearly tests and poking and prodding in our most private of areas? It seems so unfair. And just the fact that the tests are so… so… invasive is really just enough to have me screaming about the injustice of it all. I believe whole-heartedly in having yourself checked regularly. I never miss a doctor’s appointment for that stuff. But surely they’ve found a less torturous method by now? I mean, if we can take tiny cameras up people’s rear ends, why are we still forcepping and swabbing? What the heck, people?

And can’t you at least make me feel, for once, like I want to be there? Like I’m in control, like it’s my body and you’re doing me a favor? I mean, talk to the ultrasound tech that I had today and figure out what method she’s using. Everyone should be doing that!

The whole procedure was easy breezy, though, and took all of 15 minutes. I started feeling foolish for ever worrying. Those Vandy Women’s Imaging folks know what they’re doing.

Now I’m just waiting on the results. That’s the hard part.

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Responses

  1. after i hung up with you last night i thought crap! i forgot to ask about the ultrasound! i’m glad it went well. I hope the results part goes well too… :]

  2. yes, thank you, it was fine! 🙂 i haven’t heard anything yet, so i guess it’ll be monday or tuesday before i know if anything is up. we’ll see!

  3. ok, so I gotta laugh ha ha ha! and not for the wonderfully funny and oh so true way you explained it but for the creepy Ob men, I agree 100%! ewww! Anyway I have had to have one of those done before too, weird, but didn’t do it myself. Anyway hope it all turns out ok.

  4. THANK YOU for agreeing with me. I have only let one man other than Mike get all up in there– he was my family doctor, a regular PCP (Primary Care Physician), and only because I needed my annual exam but my OB (my female OB) didn’t take my insurance. I had to have someone do it, and why not the guy that I trust to save not only MY life, but the lives of everyone in my family?

    However, as my mom and I discussed last night on the phone… since they’re okay with letting us insert our own wands, why not let us swab our own cervix and just bring the sample to the office? Think of the money we’d save! HAHAHA, that’s really gross to think about, huh? Funny though, especially hearing my mom say it.


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