Posted by: angelnorman | November 7, 2008

Hair-dos and new clothes.

I’m weird.

This should come as no surprise, but I just thought I’d throw it out there anyways.

I’ve been struggling a little bit lately with various things: Nick is turning four, I’ll soon be twenty-nine years old, we’re still not done with the bills I wanted to be done with, Christmas is coming and I’m pretty broke, Nicholas is turning four, my period isn’t coming this month- I just know it, none of my clothes are fitting me right lately, my sweet precious angel baby Nick will be four next week. Did I mention that I am struggling with Nick’s birthday?

I sent out a request to the momtourage this week to help me feel better about this.  And much to my delight, they quickly jumped on the task of reassuring me that four is way more awesome(r) than three, and that I should be thrilled with this change. A says that at four, kids are generally more opinionated and you can hear more talk of their views on the world and other people, which is hilarious and entertaining. E says that kids at four are much more “person” than before, meaning less baby and more child… she warns that there might still be tantrums but I have much to look forward to with the entertainment and sophistication that comes with that age.

Since receiving their reassurance, I’ve felt a little better about it. Some. But still, I mean, FOUR. For Pete’s sake, that is so old to me. I have the best friends ever. Thanks, girls, for answering my email with support and encouragment. ❤

At the same time, I am putting on my happy face… and when people ask me about the party, I reply cooly and calmly that I’ve got it all under control. And it’s true. I did everything I needed to do this week except order balloons and buy canned colas for the adults. That’s all that is left to do. I am not fretting the party, the size of the party, whether or not we’ll have enough cake. I’m not fretting the invite list and how I didn’t invite some people– something that normally throws me into a world of guilt and drama. I’m just not doing it. None of those typical birthday party anxieties are there this year, which is amazing.

But deep inside, I am wrestling with this thing that persistently reminds me how I’m not where I should be; I’m not who I should be. I’m not good enough. While I don’t know where it stems from, itt happens to me every year around Nicholas’s birthday. This great pressure inside me to completely overhaul who I am wells up and I don’t know how to properly handle it. The day (or maybe week) before every single one of Nick’s birthday parties, I’ve went out and bought new clothes to wear to his party. I’ve done something different with my hair. I’ve donned a new necklace, something… just some small change for absolutely no reason other than to appease whatever is inside of me telling me that I need to be something else. That I need to look and feel and act and seem and pretend to be better.

Could be coincidence that it comes near my own birthday, too. I mean, maybe I’m just not happy about getting older and not being where I thought I’d be. Or maybe it’s just that subconciously, I am paying homage to the great change that motherhood brought to me. Maybe I just want to change physical things so that what I lack in the non-physical sense is not as obvious. Or maybe it’s a defense mechanism, a big distraction to keep me from reminding myself 10 billion times that soon, my kid will be four- a preschooler!

Maybe I’m just crazy and completely hormonal and insecure. Probably that one.

But doesn’t it seem a little strange that I feel like I have to do these things? Or is this somewhat normal?

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Responses

  1. I LOVE four. I loved it even when I wasn’t a mom. I used to teach preschool and I decided then that I wanted a house full of four year olds. They are just really special at that time… WAY easier. You’re gonna love it. And 29 is great too b/c it’s almost 30 and girl, I wouldn’t go back to my 20’s for anything! 30 is fabulous!

  2. Do I need to come give you the “force hug”. LOL

    I know it doesn’t fix anything..and I don’t have a 4 year old yet..but it’s good to know that you’ve created a pretty adorable, awesome, fun loving, smiley, intuitive, naked crafty KID. Here’s to a year of moving from having a baby to having a giant. LOL Love you all…call me anytime. SERIOUSLY.

  3. Mandy: Thank you for reassuring me! I hope you’re right and 4 is indeed way easier. 🙂

    I’m actually feeling really good about moving out of the twenties, though. I don’t look at 30 as the end of some great era. The only thing that really bothers me about it is that I feel like I should have had more kids by 30. I always thought I’d be done by then, you know? And really I’m just getting started. That’s okay and all, but it is one of those things that nags at me like the gray hairs in my head and the 80 extra pounds I’m toting around, haha.

    Jen: Force hugs are awesome. You should have given me one at the party and been like, “Hold it… hold it… And we’re good.” And yes, Nicholas is awesome and I should feel good about what I’ve created as opposed to the changes and things. Love you too.


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