Posted by: angelnorman | January 22, 2009

Things.

Every night I lay in my bed for at least an hour after my nightly bedtime prayers, struggling with a mind that won’t turn off. I think we’re out of cereal. Maybe we have some waffles for Nick’s breakfast. I know we have blueberry muffin mix, but he won’t eat that. I think our eggs are expired too. Shit! Did I put the clothes in the dryer? I don’t remember doing it. What if Nick’s jeans are in there? Mike’s snoring is really starting to get on my nerves. I wonder if Mike put the clothes in the dryer? Yeah, right. What else is there for Nick to wear? He only owns the one pair of jeans. I really should buy that kid some clothes. Every single night, I go to bed at around 3 am.

Every single morning I beg Mike to let me sleep one more hour. Please not now. A little bit longer. Go away! And I keep begging until he comes into the room to inform me that it’s 11 am or it’s almost 1 pm… and he’s not only taken Nick to school or fed him two meals while working his full time job, but he’s also managed to wash the dishes in the sink or start a load of laundry. Here I am, sleeping, very unproductive-like, but also not wanting to deal with the struggle that is getting out of bed. Every day, I sleep in. It’s not as amazing as it sounds, really– not to me. I wish I were able to get up and you know, do something.

Every single afternoon, I sit down at my computer and log onto World of Warcraft. Few people I know understand its appeal, although 11 million other subscribers can attest to how interesting it is. The other day, though, I got upset about something that happened in the game. Turns out I have developed quite an emotional attachment to playing WoW. As odd as it sounds, I fully believe that I would rather play WoW than do just about anything else, including coffeehouse visits with friends or date nights with my husband. Terrible, huh? I realized today that my daily trips to Azeroth (that’s the world, like “Earth”, for World of Warcraft) was probably a means of escape. (Please don’t think I ignore my child though… I only play when he’s asleep or at school).

Every single night after Nick goes to bed, I play WoW some more. Till about 1 or 2 am. Then I may have sex, depending on whether or not Mike and I are trying that day. This is our only time for affection and intimacy, even though we are together 24/7.

Then I start everything all over.

Today I had every intention of getting up early, taking Nick to school, hitting up Walgreens for some medicine and a magnifying glass (I just really want one. No other reason.), and then getting myself some fancy coffee drink somewhere. I wanted to get out, to be more productive, and to break this cycle I’ve landed in where getting up and leaving my house is a chore instead of a privilege. This afternoon, though, I realized as I sat in front of my living room windows (which were open to let the cool air air circulate through), I hadn’t felt fresh air on my skin since Monday. I haven’t left the house. I haven’t cleaned. I cooked only once. I haven’t been to the store although every day I’m making mental checklists about recipes I want to try to cook and things we’re running out of.

I felt so gross, and so disgusted by my daily routine at that moment. 

And I’m so confused. If these antidepressants are supposed to lift me out of my funk or at least help me to feel more motivated to lift myself out of the funk, why aren’t they working? And what is the real cause of my sudden pH imbalance? Is everything ever going to be truly fixed or am I going to keep seeing doctors who only bandaid my issues while others pop up because maybe I have some root problem that they’re totally ignoring…?

Why do I feel like an empty version of myself every single day?

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Responses

  1. I’m coming to your house at 9:20am tomorrow. Deal with it.

  2. wow. Ashlee is awesome.

    i make those checklists. i lie in bed and wonder what i forgot and surely i must be failing at motherhood and why do i have to have such a temper sometimes and how can aaron just go to sleep and not worry about the dishes the dust or how dirty the toilets are?

    also i have a few pairs of jeans the boys have grown out of…..i’ll bring them over and you can see if they’ll fit….

  3. The preferred method of dealing with it would not have been sleeping through it. You totally missed out on chocolate covered blueberries.

  4. But I’m awake… So I was dealing with it properly. You on the other hand didn’t even try to come over. lol.

  5. your-day-sounds-alot-like-mine….maybe-its-in-the-air


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