Posted by: angelnorman | April 28, 2009

Curse you, clomid!

For about a week, I’ve been feeling a little emotional. Me? Emotional? Hard to believe, I know. All kidding aside, I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of sadness that is always in the shadows. Yes, I’ve had some great days! I’ve blogged about them and talked about them and life has been good for as much as the world knows. Yet underneath it all, mostly at night, I feel… down in the dumps. There’s something particular nagging at me to boot. I feel incredibly under attack by my emotions! For days, I’ve had to fend off the urge to cry, which has not been much of an urge since I began my Cymbalta, honestly. It seems like from the moment I began taking my medicine in January-ish, I’ve been almost unable to cry more times than not. Though, really, I’m not sure if that’s accurate because right before getting the Cymbalta scrip, crying was an everyday occurance. I’m not sure it’s fair to compare myself and my lack of tears to that particular time frame right before I was diagnosed for the second time with depression, and I’m not that clear on how it was back before I was ever depressed. I don’t remember myself before then, really. It’s all running together in my head.

I’ve been hoping it’s just stress related, though, like maybe it’s just my brain messing with my emotions, counter-attacking the medication. I don’t know. I guess I’m grasping at straws, trying to come up with anything that could explain the way I feel so that I can plan my own cures. I just wish I could decipher how my brain works, to understand the lows and protect myself from them in a more productive and healthy manner. Wishful thinking I’m sure but dang it, does it really have to be so difficult?

It started last week the very day I started taking my clomid. I don’t know if it’s a psychological thing, if the clomid was what set me off or not; like maybe it’s just that I’m ticked that I have to be taking this pill when it’s so easy for everyone I know. And you know, maybe I’d be less bitter about it if this pill didn’t royally screw with every part of me. It makes me constipated, it gives me hot flashes, it makes me ill (nauseous, stomach cramping). Now it’s affecting my mood maybe. I feel bad for complaining about it since you know, I should really just focus on how much it will be worth it if it helps me get pregnant. Holding my sweet little baby in my arms will for sure wash away any of these self-piteous thoughts of mine. I will be satisfied, or at least that’s the plan. For now though, I am deeply unsatisfied and filled with thoughts regarding the injustice of it all. I pray for wisdom through this time, but I am not feeling very wise at all. I’m feeling quite childish and a little scared, scared that my prayers aren’t being answered because I want something that God doesn’t want me to have. Everyone I know says to me that it’ll happen in God’s time, but I can’t help but wonder why His time isn’t the same as mine. What did I do to not deserve another little one to love? Am I not measuring up as a mother in some way? It’s been almost 5 years and still no dice?

See, this is what goes through my mind when I try to figure everything out on my own. Yipee.

In case you’re curious, I’m off the clomid now but still dealing with the side effects of taking it all 5 days last week. I am supposed to be fertile next week, but after my experiences in February and March with the lack of period, the false positive pregnancy test, and at least three folks I know having a baby (or finding out that they’re pregnant, or learning that they’re having a girl, or something), I’m feeling a little discouraged.

(I am happy for them. I really am. It’s just hard to remember that other people’s successes aren’t supposed to emphasize my failures. If that makes any sense. I hope they don’t read this though, just in case. Luckily, I don’t know them well enough for it to be all up in my face. I know that sounds bad, but it’s the same sort of emotion as picking out baby names or painting a nursery for a baby I can’t make when I read about someone else’s incredible fertility luck. Ems and I were just talking about this the other day. It is hard, what with everyone being connected by the internet and all, to not have people’s pics and ultrasounds and tickers with pregnancy countdowns all up in your grill anytime you log on to a forum or facebook or something. It sucks when you’re TTC, even if you’re the happiest and most selfless person in the world, so don’t judge me!)

I almost don’t want to try, which has been a problem for me my entire life. If I know I’m going to fail, I just don’t try. That’s what happened with learning to ride a bike and roller skating. I have always known I’m bad with things like that, so why bother even trying them? I’m starting to chicken out with this whole TTC thing because I’m really tired of bad news and failure.

At least it sort of makes sense to blame the clomid.

Ems: I’m almost ready to just hand my ovaries over to the invisible chemical tornado. Someone (or thing) should get some enjoyment out of them as they do nothing for me but cause me pain 😛

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Responses

  1. Oh Angel, you are the best mom in the world. Never doubt that! My prayers are with you during this time. Please let me know if you need anything!

  2. aww, Angel, I’m so sorry. And if anyone reads what you wrote and judges you because of it, they don’t know you at all. I would be the same way, well I kind of am, but different, because everyone around me is getting pregnant/having babies and I’m happy for them, but aggravated because my hubs doesn’t want another, no matter how bad I do. So I can understand the being happy for them, but not wanting it all up in your face! It’s ok! you are only human and allowed to feel the way you want! I hope things get better for you soon! We really do need to get together one of these days! Maybe even hang w/ the kids and let them play sometime. Take Care!

  3. Thank you, ladies, for understanding and being so dang encouraging. I felt really insecure about posting this because I certainly would never want to hurt anyone’s feelings or anything, but at the same time, I was feeling horribly overwhelmed and needed to get it off my chest. There’s only so many times that I can express this issue to my husband and hear his generic reply of, “Don’t worry about it” before I want to snap him like a twig, you know? 😀 So I really do appreciate your kindness and understanding.

    Charlene- let’s do it! I would love to hang out with you, any day! The sooner the better 🙂

  4. I’m here for you if you need to vent. Love you. And I hate when God’s timing doesn’t match our own. 😦


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