Posted by: angelnorman | July 20, 2009

i want what i want, and i want it now.

i’mma talk sirrus for a second. /ghettospeak off

here lately, i am restless and easily frustrated by things that seem stifling/controlled by forces other than myself or God. my patience is worn thin, by no particular one thing or person; there’s just an incredible shortness of patience with the world and people around me. things like yardwork that i’ve been wanting to do but have never taken the time to try are now thorns in my side until i do whatever it is that needs to be done, and i can’t handle being told that it has to wait. for an example, yesterday, mike and i bickered all afternoon about doing what i want (redoing the landscaping bed) versus doing what he wants (which seriously, he *wants* to do everything but does nothing very little! all talk, no action just pisses me right off.)

his idea of a good sunday afternoon was to lay around in our filthy house and do nothing yesterday. me? i couldn’t allow myself to do that when nick wasn’t home yet and there was so much in my head that i wanted to do. 

same goes for some other lofty big ideas i have had recently. i can no longer sit and wait for them. i want to make shit happen!

really, it’s that i want what i want, and i want it now. not tomorrow or the next day. not next week or next paycheck. i want to do the things that need to be done when they need to be done. for the first time in my life, i’m a little tired of everyone’s procrastination, including my own.

i’m on this kick lately where i need to feel young again, too. i think it’s years of feeling frumpy and old mixing with my newfound energy and sense of clarity. i’ve been worn out, beaten down a little by life. optimism sucked out of me at times. it’s not been as awesome as i would have hoped. i hadn’t talked to my friend matt in 10 years but recently, he and i reconnected on FB and we’ve been seeing as much of him as possible, which has only been twice but it’s been so great that it’s felt like more. for those unaware of the situation, matt is who technically introduced me to mike, although it was me who did the actual introducing. but he and mike were friends and he and i were friends, so we kind of sort of have to thank matt for helping us come together a little bit. heh. even before that though, matty, michelle, and i used to hang every single day when we were teenagers. we’d go coffeehouse hunting and spend hours sitting and talking and laughing with one another. and we’re doing it again and it is so refreshing to reconnect on a positive note with people who remember you when you were younger and more vibrant and less likely to snap at any given moment.

it’s been nice to recapture a little of that the last few weeks. even mike, who hung out with matty seperate of me back in their heyday, said it was “a good time”, and that it takes him right back to those good ol’ days when he and matt and their mutual friend john used to run wild on the streets of nashville. can you imagine mike being bad? he was! he smoked cloves (haha gayest ciggies ever IMO), stayed out till all hours of the night drinking and actin’ a fool, and went to strip clubs and everything.

okay, only like twice. but that’s twice too many times IMO.

my point is though that i think my recent impatience and “do it now”-ness is because i’ve somehow reconnected to my 17-year old self and she doesn’t play that game.  she is all about doing what she wants when she wants to do it. she has big dreams. she sees the world as one possibility after the other instead of in the cynical way i oft see it where it’s all seemingly planned out already and i have no choice but to ride this ride. the old me makes things happen. she makes the world her bitch. and i like her for that! i like having an ounce of that power in my life again.

it might not make sense to anyone else. i’m actually amazed if you’ve read this blog even to this point, especially if you’ve done so without rolling your eyes at me. (thank you for trying to love me despite myself) but i think part of the thing is that in every year of my life, i redefine myself to be more of what i want to be. i enjoy change and exploration and making myself anew for the situation. i like having to adapt to things. i don’t believe in stagnation, or so i claim. yet time after time, i’ve noticed myself falling into the habit of just going through the motions and not really enjoying life. the almost-30 year old me is WAY more awesome than the 17 year old me in so many ways, dont’ get me wrong. i’m entirely more popular too now, especially with boys. (sure they’re preschoolers, but HEY! they think i’m funny.)

however, i think i’ve been learning some lessons from my former self these days. life is too short. it doesn’t seem like it’s been a whole decade since i was that girl with big ol’ plans for my life, but it has been. it’s technically been over a decade. what the hell have i been waiting for? why have i not been doing everything that i want to do, no matter how trivial?

mike says it’s because we’re parents. we allow ourselves to stop dreaming for ourselves, to stop making plans. i think he’s on to something with that, sure. however, i disagree with the way he handles it. i do not believe in rolling over and taking it. he would rather bury himself deep down under responsibility and obligation. i don’t believe in not being myself anymore and i can’t fathom the idea of accepting that motherhood is more like smotherhood and that i have no choice but to let my dreams disappear. i have no patience for that sort of thinking. i am who i am, made better by the fact that i am a parent, not made worse with fewer freedoms. so i’m going to stop letting life and the people in it run me over from now on. i’m going to make shit happen again. i’m going to indulge myself with this life experience, because i only get one, right? and i don’t want to see it go to waste.

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Responses

  1. fist raised in a “fight the power, you go girl” support manuever….come hoola hoop with me…guaranteed to make you feel like a kid

  2. Luv you babe, and I’m still reading. You still seem cool to me. luv you, nanners


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