Posted by: angelnorman | August 24, 2009

bits of brain

I have had very little patience in quite some time now to sit down and write a blog, because outside of the cowboy incident, I really don’t have much going on that warrants a whole post. You know how that is? So please forgive this attempt at a coherent blog.

I have some thoughts on depression that I was going to share after I talked about it to my doctor, but now the appointment has been rescheduled (I didn’t want Nick to have to miss school and my doctor’s office only does physicals Mon-Thurs at 9 and 9:30, which I can’t make AND take him to school.) So there’s that. While I could sit and tell you all the basic thoughts I’ve been having– how I have been reading my old journals a lot lately and how I was alerted to the fact that mentally, I’m in no better shape now than I was when I was 21, OR how I still haven’t figured out the root of my depression issues, OR how- really?- few things have changed for me in regards to my “issues” since then– I have no real desire to share so much of me right now. For someone who loves her blog, that’s weird, huh?

So instead, I’ll give you little bits of things on my mind- bits of my brain (you’re welcome).

I am increasingly bored with being a SAHM now that Nick is in school, but I don’t really know what I want to do. So I’ve been reading a lot and crafting, which is nice, but which still does not satisfy.

I am now an official smoker again, unfortunately. I’d like to think it’s just a social thing, or something I do only when I drink, but I see now that my smoking has reawakened whatever part of my personality that is prone to addictions and I now find myself craving a cigarette on a regular nightly basis. I have this plan that I will give them up by Labor Day, but we shall see how well I do. I’m not smoking every day, but almost. And it makes me sad that I can’t say no to lighting up, because honestly? This is the same relationship I have with food and sometimes with alcohol and sometimes even with sex or videogames or laziness. Nothing is ever in moderation with me. I simply lack the discipline. I’m not excusing the behavior. In fact, I’m admitting that it’s a bigger problem than I realized.

Damn you Michelle for telling me you smoked and getting me started! I’m glad I made you smoke so much that you puked that time. Serves you right. (Totally kidding. I am a grown up and it’s my own fault, but I’d like to blame her and she doesn’t read my blog so WIN! for me. Also? I want to state on the record that I am not responsible for her puking. She had chinese for dinner and then after her last ciggie, she practically hiked up a hill to the car, and I would like to think that those things had something to do with it. Not me. I am innocent!)

The smoking has become an issue between Mike and I. He hates that I have gone back to my old vices, but really, I am so focused on thinking that maybe I never changed at all. Maybe I didn’t really ever beat the addiction to nicotine, maybe I just suppressed it? I don’t know. Mike says to me that he hates to see me partake in something so unhealthy, but I am like, “Funny how you don’t think this about me drinking or over-eating, both of which contribute to many deaths every year.” He has a personal vendetta against cigarettes, I’m guessing. He says that it’s not at all the same thing when I smoke and when he overeats but I say it is. Are both not super unhealthy? Do both not cause health problems? He, I know, is just trying to help me, to show me he disapproves because he wants to motivate me, but honestly, I am not motivated by knowing he disapproves of me. You not liking something I do usually makes me want to do it all the more, so really, just save your breath. I mean, I don’t approve that he does nothing but play videogames but I don’t ask him to give them up, even though sitting in front of a computer 12 hours a day is not helping him be any healthier…

Okay, so I could go on and on with pointing out how imperfect he is, too, but that solves nothing. He and I both agree we need a lifestyle change, and I will say that seriously? August will be the last month I eat crappy food every day. Really! I will no longer rely so heavily on the convenience of fast food. It’ll also be the last month that I pay for a gym membership I do not use enough. It will be the last month I live in shame and embarrassment anytime I give in to the craving for a cigarette. Seriously. I have decided this already, and I will try again to be healthier. I will.

After all, I do want to have a second baby still, I’m just not actively trying. But when I do get back to trying? I want my baby vessel to be as healthy as it can be.

It’s simply too depressing to keep failing at everything I do, especially that, especially when so many people I know are pregnant and had no issues getting there. I keep saying things to myself like, “If you would just lose weight…” or “Seriously, maybe you should give it up” as the weeks pass. I haven’t had a period since June, and no, I am not pregnant according to the three (yes, 3) tests I have taken since then. I just get so dang frustrated and that leads to me being overwhelmed, and then I get depressed from being overwhelmed 24/7 and then I think, well maybe I shouldn’t have a baby until I’m mentally stable. But. What if I am never mentally stable again?

These are the things that keep me up at night. These things and crossword puzzles on my iPhone.

I’m a mess lately, scatter-brained yet trying so hard to improve things. And really? Just writing this blog has totally overwhelmed me again. Le sigh.

I need a smoke.

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Responses

  1. Sorry you’re going through this stuff right now – thinking about you. I’ll try and call you soon. Or maybe Jenson will since he dreams about your face.

  2. I know how you feel. I’ve been so scattered lately and easily overwhelmed. It sucks! Hope you get some answers at the doctors appointment when you go!

  3. Love you Lady! Call me if you need me!


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