Posted by: angelnorman | September 10, 2009

today

today i lost my marbles. and my cool.

i woke up bright and early, feeling partially stoned from the Nyquil or maybe just from having slept more than 20 hours in the last 24. or maybe both.

and i looked around at how things had been handled while i was out of commission. my kid eating pop tarts- and barely- for breakfast. waking up with only 35 minutes to spare before he had to leave for school. no one sitting with him or talking to him while he ate like i normally might. the dishes, the laundry, all still there. all waiting for me to get better. it’s nice to feel needed, right? yeah. i suppose. it’s nice to know that they can’t function without me.

but i didn’t feel that way when i, for the 80th time, had to chastise chewie for getting on the table and getting the pop tarts that were left from this morning’s breakfast. and i didn’t feel that way when i chased him into his kennel- where alex was sleeping- and tried to pull him out only to have alex bite my hand. (in his defense, he was terrified of me. as he should be. as everyone should be, i guess.) i didn’t feel that way when michael came into the kitchen, not to help but to get me to calm down.

i picked up a cup of milk and threw it. today, i am prone to violent outbursts apparently. i am glad my kid is in school, though honestly, i want to pull him out of that school sometimes. $300 a month is a joke when you’re barely making ends meet. (seems like every time we try to make our ends meet, someone moves them. there’s always something, always a reason that we’re living paycheck to paycheck. i am beyond frustrated.) i’m just glad he wasn’t here to witness it.

sometimes i wish i could be more lady-like, more demure, more level-headed. i wish i didn’t behave badly.

i’m still sick, probably with swine flu. probably going to die. and i’ll be like one of those ghosts with unfinished business because i died without apologizing for always being such a pain in the ass to my husband, who honestly? probably didn’t have time between getting me OJ or medicine to do the dishes or laundry.

i kid. well, about the becoming a ghost. and the swine flu. although, when you actually know someone who has it, it’s kinda scary.

but seriously, it has to get better, right? all of this stuff has gotta improve. something has gotta give, and when it does, i’ll be free again to live without worry, right? my mind will cease to wander aimlessly through my what-ifs and i will just be me again, the happy me. the one everyone expects all the time.

***

editors note: while writing this blog, i was forced to get over my self-pity a little bit when my mother called and cheered me up threefold. moma, i don’t know what i’d do without you. also? my second favorite virgo, miss jennifer hokanson, brought me a lovely get-well gift while i was talking to my mom and that has made me feel so incredibly loved. thank you, jen and thank you to your boys. i am filled with gratitude to both of you today.

also, you might be relieved to know i apologized to my husband. lucky for me, he didn’t hold it against me.

i guess losing my marbles isn’t so bad as long as people are willing to help me find them again.

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Responses

  1. your not alone sister….lets have this pitty party togethr

  2. We love you so much.

  3. And I aint never met a marble who sat still; all composed and calm. They were meant to roll around a go crazy! I’m the master of analogies today. And always.


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