Posted by: angelnorman | September 16, 2009

at first i was afraid.

almost daily, i do a devotional for moms from Daily Wisdom for Mothers: A 365-Day Devotional by Michelle Medlock Adams, which my friend jen, aka “madge jr” bought for me in 2007. no matter how many years pass or how many times i might’ve read a particular date, i always feel like the lesson speaks to me on the day or the week that it’s supposed to speak to me and my situation, regardless if i read it the year before on the same date. i am always amazed by its effectiveness to be applied to my daily life.

on this past sunday morning, the devotional was based off jeremiah 1:5, which reads, according to the amp, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument]”. the same morning, i had experienced a little fear regarding my pregnancy and this particular verse reassured me that I was part of a plan greater than myself and that the child in my womb was a part of a plan, too. God never ceases to have a plan.

i still feel that way this afternoon, even after having been poked with a needle, even after having sat in an exam room and hearing the word, “miscarriage”. i still feel like this pregnancy was not coincidental. it, even though maybe it won’t last, was not an accident. it was for a purpose, a much greater purpose than i can imagine. and even though i started off my day with all the anger and frustration and fear and sadness and pain that i could muster this morning, i refuse to end it believing that my family is going through this for nothing. i refuse to give into the emotion, the pain, and instead, i choose to focus on the answer i received. oh yes i can get pregnant. oh yes i can.

no amount of diseases- PCOS, hypothyroidism, etc- they label me with can mask the fact that for three days this week, i was pregnant. that maybe i still am. that i will be again.

i am no longer scared. no longer worried. no longer furious with the injustice of it all. God has answered my prayers, and i refuse to see this situation as a burden, as pain.

 1 God is our refuge and strength,
       an ever-present help in trouble.

 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
       and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

 3 though its waters roar and foam
       and the mountains quake with their surging.
       Selah

 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
       the holy place where the Most High dwells.

 5 God is within her, she will not fall;
       God will help her at break of day.

 6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
       he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.
       Selah

 8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
       the desolations he has brought on the earth.

 9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
       he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
       he burns the shields with fire.

 10 “Be still, and know that I am God;
       I will be exalted among the nations,
       I will be exalted in the earth.”

 11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.
       Selah

Psalms 46 is my comfort. and so i am being still and knowing that my God will provide me with the strength to overcome anything. i am not alone, for the LORD Almighty is with me. and He is with my babies, both in life and in death.

my faith is the only constant thing that i know, and it’s on that which i am forcing myself to focus. because the weight of the world cannot be carried by one woman, i give it all to Him.

i apologize for not answering some calls or giving any more info, but there’s nothing to say. we must await test results before we can conclude anything.

but me? i’m doing fine. don’t worry about me, really. i am part of a plan, just like you, and i will survive this little hiccup. i will. no worries about that.

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Responses

  1. What an amazing blog entry. Thank you for that – God used you even still.


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