Posted by: angelnorman | September 18, 2009

the baby that didn’t happen, but the crappy week that did.

today, i questioned God. “why, if i’m so faithful, did You need me to go through this? if this is my test, if this is Your plan for me, that’s fine. but this doesn’t feel like a test or part of any sort of plan that makes any sense! this feels like a punishment!”

i am not proud that i questioned God, though i know it’s okay. i am human, after all. i don’t always understand what is going on in my life or why. and sometimes i have to remind myself that it’s for the best that things, that life, not be so easily understood. i’m not sure i could always cope with knowing why or how or what.

all i know for sure is that i’m no longer pregnant. my hcG levels on wednesday’s bloodwork were >1, meaning that if i was pregnant on saturday when i saw that test with the faint line, then by sunday, it was probably already gone.

“whatever it was,” the nurse said to me. “it was chemical.”

“so did i miscarry?”

“no,” she answered. “you didn’t miscarry.”

“well then, i am confused. did something cause me to get a false pregnancy test?”

“hormones are very confusing and weird. somedays, some are more present than others. maybe saturday, that hcG level was higher, high enough to show up on that test, but then it wasn’t a day or two later, even before the bleeding.”

“but i wasn’t pregnant?”

“not on wednesday, no.”

how is that for confusing? so… i didn’t miscarry? but something was there and that something was only chemical? was i ever pregnant? should i stop buying home pregnancy tests because i’ve had nothing but bad luck with them?

i left with more questions than answers, just like my friend krissy said could happen.

but before i did, the nurse handed me a white bag that seemed to be containing a box inside of it. “you are anemic though, so i want you to take this iron everyday.”

“anemic?” yet another ailment to take meds for. joy.

“yes, moderately so. take these for at least thirty days and then call me and let me know how you’re doing. oh, and take your clomid today. you can try again. this chemical pregnancy will not affect your chances of getting pregnant again.”

that’s it? just try again? seriously…?

“it’s just,” i stammered. “well, it’s not that i wanted a miscarriage, but i guess i liked that it meant i was pregnant now matter how brief. so are you saying that i wasn’t pregnant ever?”

“no,” she said. “i’m saying that you’re no longer pregnant and you can try again. you don’t know that you can’t get pregnant again and you shouldn’t assume that this chemical pregnacy means anything except that you are not pregnant right now. after all, you have been pregnant before, you just have to try again!”

i was flooded with rage once back in the safety of my car. yes. yes, i’ve been pregnant before but never once not even close since then… and why didn’t she see how important it was to me to hear that i had been pregnant this time? why didn’t she just say, outright, “you miscarried.” why confuse me further with her “you’re not pregnant but you didn’t miscarry either, it was a chemical pregnancy” stuff? what does that even mean?! how can i not have been pregnant but have had a chemical pregnancy? confusion lead to anger and self-loathing. does she think that i made it all up? did i seriously just spend an entire week mourning a loss that never even happened? and is there a chance that i did just imagine that faint blue line, that i am so pathetic that i saw only what i wanted to see?

here is where i questioned God. and myself. what was the point of me doing all these tests? why on earth would You put me through that if i possibly was never pregnant? why am i so pathetic? i know what i saw but what if i had just shrugged it off instead?! why does Michael have to be right? he never really saw the line, you know! he said all he saw was a line so faint that it didn’t look right to him. he never wanted to believe it. why did i get everyone all worked up and praying for me and my dead baby that didn’t even exist? WHY?

i had lunch with my mom, a lunch where i didn’t talk at all about the baby that never was, and then when i got home, i began to re-research the chemical pregnancy, to determine what my OB/GYN nurse meant if nothing more than for a little peace of mind. apparently, a chemical pregnancy is thought to occur when the egg is fertilized but then dies shortly after. so apparently, instead of mourning a baby, i should have mourned an egg. i lost… an egg.

how’s that for a crappy answer to all of my week’s woes?

still, i know what i saw on that test. i saw a line, no matter how faint. and maybe an egg was fertilized, but it didn’t ever develop life. at least we know mike’s little swimmers know how to find the egg. (i’ve been questioning their intelligence for months.) so i was technically not pregnant, which meant i technically didn’t miscarry a life. i miscarried an egg. maybe. this is all still speculation.

i had to do the tests, though, because according to all i have read, it’s standard procedure since it could have been an ectopic pregnancy. they need to see the hcG level. they need to make sure i’m not in any sort of danger.

hence the iron pills i guess. (most common low iron symptoms, get this, are fatigue and irritability. those are probably the first two words mike would use to describe me. “my wife? oh, her name is Angel but i know her better as, fatigue and irritability.”)

my two favorite pages for chemical pregnancy today, in case you want to read more about my nightmare this week, is here and here.

all you really need to know though is that i’m not pregnant and maybe i never was, except in my heart.

and that’s what hurts the most.

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Responses

  1. i love you, and i know its hard not to question yourself, but every single one of these feelings you’re having are completely justifiable. I know there is little I can say or do to wipe this week away or make it better, but just know that if I could do that for you, with a pretty little wand…I would.

    p.s…..i always get told I have low iron, too, every time i try to give blood. and they say fatigue and irritability are the symptoms, huh? this sounds familiar…

  2. Ahhhm, just a thought, but HAS he been checked to see if it is a combo of your issues and him? I hope everything gets better soon. Look forward to seeing you tomorrow night! 🙂

  3. you know how people in the medical field are, if they dont have a definite black and white explanation in front of them, and sometimes even if they do, they pussyfoot their way around specific answers…If you felt like you were pregnant you prob were…you know your body better than anybody else…i love youn and am here for you….

  4. […] the past few years, I have been absolutely torn apart by heartache, ripped to shreds by every birth announcement, completely ravaged by people’s questions of […]


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