Posted by: angelnorman | January 19, 2010

the great interference

sitting in the car on the way home from dinner the other night, i noticed that my entire upper lip is tingling as if about to sweat. turns out it was the beginning of a hot flash. i’ve had two since then… once after cleaning my living room and the other after blow-drying my hair upside down for a few seconds. it doesn’t always start the same. sometimes, it starts on my neck and stretches its way up my face and down through my chest, making me feel and look flushed and bothered. other times, it might start in my arm pits/upper torso or my lower back.  it’s very unpredictable.

like so much of life.

my friend just had a baby, and last week, she finally invited me over to meet him. i went friday afternoon, very much ready to get my baby time, and do you know what she told me? she told me that she was worried about inviting me over prior to my visit because she didn’t want to make me sad. sad that she had a baby and i did not. sad that she had a success that i couldn’t achieve. and while i appreciated her concern for my feelings, it made me sad that someone would be afraid to share their joy with me because of my infertility. how much infertility interferes with my life is ridiculous. i literally cannot stop thinking about it because even if i do, it’s on the minds of other people. probably my fault for blogging about it.

the worst part is that it’s not the first time that has happened, where someone didn’t want to share with me some news because i suppose they felt like i might take it as a blow to my self esteem or something. also i suspect it will not be the last time.

infertility is just a truth for me, and i can’t help that. if i could change it, i would. i don’t want to be broken.

it’s just like depression. the two of them will always tag-team me and plague me with horrible thoughts that i pour out into blogs. that doesn’t mean they have to make everyone around me feel bad, though. sometimes, i wish no one read my blog. it would make people dislike me a lot less.

i’ve always had this weird issue with things that have happened in the past. it’s like, i cannot forget things if i’ve been embarrassed. i still remember royal screw-ups i committed when i was in elementary school, and i think of them with a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach as though i am right there in that moment again. once, my cousin charlene came to my house and she looked around at the mess with disdain and said, “angel, get up. we need to clean this house.”

i’ve always been a little embarrassed by that day. i remember lying on the couch when she arrived, and lying there even longer while i watched her dust until finally i was too embarrassed by her thinking i was a slob to not get up and do something.

i recently said something to her about that. she remembered it well. “i didn’t think you were a slob! but you were depressed, and i could see it. you needed a push to snap out of it.”

and i guess my point is that it made me sad that she could see it. it made me disappointed in myself for allowing my depression to impede on the lives of those around me.

and now the same thing is happening with my infertility. how embarrassing.

but i’ll just go ahead and say this one thing. my future blogs will probably be about my infertility. until i am pregnant, i will not be okay with the way things are. and i don’t care if it makes everyone uncomfortable. (okay, i do. please don’t be weird around me because my body doesn’t work like yours.)

it’s just a part of my life, you know? my awesome albeit unpredictable life.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. […] more or when would we give Nicholas a sibling. (‘Cause you know, it’s soooooo easy.) My friends have been afraid to share their joys with me, for fear it would hurt my feelings. (And this has happened even more recently– try […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: