Posted by: angelnorman | February 2, 2010

Blah blah blegh.

Today I sat in the waiting room at my OB/GYN’s office and looked at pregnant belly after pregnant belly around me. Some were round and high, some were oblong and lower; some of the women were there for ultrasounds. Some already carried the print-out that showed them the little one(s) growing inside of them. Some of the women had their significant others there, quietly chatting with them about their future. I wondered if it was their first child, their second, maybe more? I didn’t have time to feel the longing that I might normally feel, remembering my first and only successful pregnancy because 1) I wasn’t there for more than 20 minutes as I was only giving a blood sample to be tested and 2) Nick was there with me, and he was talking nonstop about how blood is gross.

I do remember so well when I was handed my first picture of Nick, that beautiful little mass in my uterus. “My peanut” I called him, as I proudly held it up for Mike to see.  And I recounted the entire story to Nick, how we decided on his names, how we learned that he was a boy.

When I was handed my lab papers, I noticed that they had given me a new diagnosis that I hadn’t been privy to yet. Anovulation it’s called. Apparently they have decided that when I bleed during my cycle, I do not release an egg. It normally happens to women in menopause, but it is also one of the main causes of infertility, both primary and secondary. Here is what else I learned:

Anovulation can arise from a number of causes, ranging from diet and exercise to complex disruptions in the relationships between tiny glands in the brain that control our most basic functions. Some causes are relatively easy to identify, whereas others are much more difficult.

Hormonal imbalances are the most probable cause of anovulatory cycle. A prolonged, strenuous program of exercise, such as running, can interfere with the ovulatory cycle by suppressing the output of hormones called gonadotropins from the hypothalamus in the brain. Anxiety and other forms of emotional stress can also take their toll on normal ovulation.

The disorder may also result from eating disorders, hypothalamic dysfunction, hyperprolactinemia, polycystic ovary syndrome, luteal phase defects, or tumors of the pituitary gland adrenal gland or ovaries. Other causes of anovulatory cycles are primary ovarian failure, resistant ovary syndrome and autoimmune oophoritis.

It’s odd to hear a new term that no one has said to you before. When someone uses it to descibe you, I mean, especially when you really want answers even vague ones or just a diagnosis so that you can give a name to your problem.

Last week was our week to “try”. It did not go well. I felt gross and unattractive and stressed to the max. Michael was all “blegh” about it too, so it wasn’t just me. (He wasn’t blegh about me. Just blegh in general and thus all “moods” were killed, if you catch my drift.) Like I’ve mentioned before, all of my periods have been so dang unpredictable. Everytime I have one, I have some weird symptom I didn’t feel the last time. This time, I had no cramps, but my entire face (and neck and chest) broke out.  Last time, I cramped so bad for two days but had no other problems. Anyways, we tried 3 out of the 5 days we were supposed to, and on that fifth day, we didn’t try because of Mike. I was ready, there, in the moment… and Mike couldn’t do it. He was too exhausted from a game of racquetball he said. I literally cried myself to sleep, thinking only nasty thoughts about how he didn’t care about me or trying for baby two, etc. It was irrational, maybe, but I feel so alone.

It’s just that he doesn’t have to go through anything, you know? He doesn’t have to get pumped up with medication and then deal with all the side effects. His chest, and face, and neck doesn’t have to break out unless he just doesn’t wash himself. He just has to show up on days 13-18, do the deed, and then he gets to take a break from it until we try again. On the other hand, I have to live it every single day. As a matter of fact, I have to deal with everything every day; I don’t get a break from my symptoms, my issues, like he does. I don’t get to stop worrying about it, ever. In fact, him not being able to hook me up on day 18 made me realize how much of this he doesn’t have to deal with and how much I resent him for that.

The truth is, it feels like every month it’s my fault that we don’t have success. It falls back on me because I’m the one with the anovulation apparently. I’m the one whose body is just broken and needs all the work. Mike doesn’t feel that way about me, but his seeming lack of effort in the situation, his lack of participation that one little week we’re supposed to conceive especially, makes me feel that I have to handle this all on my own. Like he’s just saying, “Here, you do it. I don’t feel like doing my part.” And I can’t do it alone. I mean, I can. But not without involving sperm banks and the like.

So I told him on Friday that once I get these results, I want to go to a fertility specialist. I don’t want to keep pumping myself up with meds every month, only to further lose the battle of me versus my infertility. I won’t know the results of my labwork for a few days, so we shall see what they determine regarding my progesterone levels and I guess we’ll go from there.

Until then, I’ll keep hoping I was impregnated despite our fail attempts last week.

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Responses

  1. You are so valid in feeling the way you do. It seems like women take the brunt of the majority of family responsibilities anyway, and especially anything with pregnancy and babies. All the guy has to do is show up, how lame is that!? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I’ll be hoping and praying with you!


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