Posted by: angelnorman | February 6, 2010

Another false hope, but at least I get new furniture

Spoke with the doctor yesterday morning and learned that despite what I heard (I am now thinking I misunderstood the nurse with my previous results; instead of hearing “abnormal ovulation”, I heard “normal ovulation”. Could be my fault.) my progesterone level was extremely low. For someone like me, someone who takes progesterone for 10 days out of every month just to have a normal cycle like any other woman, they were hoping to see a progesterone level at about 10 or so.

I registered at 0.2. As in, 9.8 away from where I should be.

So basically, I don’t fully ovulate. Well, let me clarify. I ovulate, but I don’t release an egg. Just like I was starting to suspect.

For me, that means that for the past year that I’ve been on clomid all my trying and all the heartaches may have been for naught. There’s no way to know that, but that’s certainly what it feels like. After all, I could just have a normal ovulation only one month out of the year… We’ll never know this until we test more, etc. Obviously I’ve ovulated fully at some point in my life because I have a 5-year old sleeping soundly in the next room. I know it can be done.

So I asked her straight out regarding September. If I am not really ovulating, then I was probably not really pregnant in September?

She said that while she had no way of knowing for sure, she didn’t THINK so. She thinks it was another false positive. Oh the humiliation I feel about all the pain and depression I’ve dealt with over that miscarriage. It was all for nothing. Maybe. I feel so stupid that for the past 5 months or so, it’s ruled my emotions the way it has.

And I’m so angry that I’ve had to go through all these side effects and have all these weird unpredictable symptoms thanks to all the meds and such just so I can try to conceive… and that it’s all been in vain.

On the other hand though, it’s nice to know what is going on with my body instead of being clueless.

I just have a lot of mixed emotions, and I don’t think I should try to work through them now.

***

New furniture. Here’s a sneak peek at my new furniture:

Ain’t she a beaut?

***

Michelle starts her new job on March 1st! I’m so excited for her to be coming back home! I’m going up there the last weekend of this month to help move her stuff to Nashville. I’m just afraid of driving that long stretch by myself. Seems boring to drive for that long solo. But I am definitely not taking Nick. We’ll see how it works out, I guess.

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