Posted by: angelnorman | April 20, 2010

in a state of blegh.

Yesterday was an awfully weird day.

I weighed myself, as I do on Mondays now because I am using Weight Watchers’ online tools to track everything I eat and they require an updated weight every Monday morning. As I’ve said before, we don’t own a set of scales in this house; we use the Wii Fit to measure and weigh us whenever we’re feeling the need to know just how fat we are. I tell ya what, it’s actually a lot harder to hear your weight from the Wii than it is from your regular ol’ bathroom scales because the scales do not talk smack if you’ve gained and the Wii Fit balance board will make you feel like crap for being a fatty. So I stepped on yesterday morning, after Mike had weighed himself and learned he was already down a pound (woot!) and I discovered that I had lost 5 lbs since the last time I weighed on the Wii Fit, which was Wednesday of last week! Surely that has to be a fluke, I thought. But Mike kept encouraging me that it was not and that instead of thinking about it, we should go walking.

So we walked the dogs (sans Roscoe- he’s got that whole achy old man hip thing going on, so we left him at home) and came back to have a snack. It’s only apples and bananas for us at snack time now. No chips. No sugary cereals. I looked at my medical information online and found that my labwork results were in, checked those and found out that everything looked fairly normal, minus the low progesterone level (.4).

When I went to the bathroom later in the day, I discovered a little bit of spotting happening. I knew I couldn’t be starting my period, because the progesterone level being that low indicates that I did not and am not ovulating as of last Friday. Not sure what to make of it, I put on some “protection” and went about my day.

Then last night, it happened a little bit again! And I was like, “what is this if it is not a period?”

So I received a message online (Vanderbilt uses this neato online system where you can communicate with your doctor and see all your clinical records right there all from the comforts of your computer) that Dr. E thought my Thyroid looked a little off, despite being in what was considered “normal ranges”, and that she wanted to up my dose of Synthroid. She also wanted me to go ahead and start taking the progesterone so that I could begin a normal cycle.

I went to bed last night a little discouraged. I felt like I was doing so good, feeling better, making good choices, and still things are breaking! Why now with the thyroid? Can’t one thing just be right for once? I was not happy. Also? I am sick with allergy/sinus junk right now and not sleeping really well at night as it is, so I’m kind of exhausted and overwhelmed. And do I really want to have a cycle right now when I’m doing so well with staying away from the sweets? Cause that is going to be super hard when I’m pms-ing, I’ll just go ahead and be honest about that.

This morning brought no more spotting, so I messaged Dr. E regarding my concern with bumping up my medicine and of course the spotting issue. I was actually exercising when I received the return phone call from Dr. E. (Woot, go me!) She and I decided that maybe we’d leave my thyroid alone. I had to be honest with her and tell her that during my week of being in a percocet-induced stupor, I sort of forgot a few doses of the Synthroid and she decided that could be why the level was a little elevated. She said it could also have something to do with the bleeding.

I find it so bizarre how everything is so connected. I have thyroid issues that affect my period. I have insulin issues that affect my period. I have thyroid issues that affect my insulin issues that affect my weight issues… I mean, it’s like a big hot mess cycle. And the top of my microwave is covered in prescription bottles: Progesterone, Clomid, Prenatal Vitamins, Synthroid, Metformin, Celexa… It makes me feel so broken. I know deep down that my 7 pills a day won’t be forever, but jeez does it feel like all I ever do is pop pills!

And today would be setback day number one because I am just not feeling motivated enough to keep going. I reread my last blog and got enough “pep” to get off my butt and straighten the living room up before lunchtime but that was about all I could do. That and working out (and later, cooking dinner) will have to be enough for today. I just feel run-down and kind of “meh” about it.

I won’t give up of course. My saint of a husband is making sure that I still keep the faith and make good food choices. Nick is being extra sweet today, too, very generous with hugs and kisses. But I just needed to sit down and get it off my chest that I am a little discouraged. And in “need” of a Big Mac. Okay, okay. I just need motivation. Motivation to get this house cleaned. Motivation to focus only on the positive. So what about my thyroid and who cares if I need to up the dosage on my medication? It’s just another thing, right? It’ll work itself out. But repeating that to myself isn’t making me feel any better. I just honestly want to go to bed and magically wake up pregnant. Can’t I do that, instead of all this medication and diet and junk? I mean, unhealthy people have babies all the time. For crying out loud, crack addicts have babies! So why not me? Why can’t it just be a little easier?

And would it be so bad if I had a milkshake right now?

Also: the Wii Fit said I gained back a pound. I think it hates me.

No more thinking for me today. I want to shut it all off. I’m not counting calories, looking at grams of sugar, inputting anything in to my Weight Watchers Tracker program, or going anywhere near that evil little balance board. I’m going to eat dinner like a normal person and try again tomorrow.

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Responses

  1. big hug

  2. im gonna buy you a pill box, like granny had. lolz


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