Posted by: angelnorman | June 10, 2010

infertility blows

Like life, infertility is such a bitch.

I have spent the last two years trying to have a baby. I have been on clomid for most of that. Today, my doctor decided to discontinue the clomid until I get everything else (the insulin, my newly discovered although not really surprising high blood pressure, and the weight) under control. At this point, we’re not really certain how well my body would tolerate a pregnancy.

I feel like the last two years have been in vain. All my struggle, all the tears, all the trying and failing and trying again… all for naught now. It has done nothing for me but cause me stress and heartache. I don’t ovulate, I don’t lose weight fast enough, my insulin is outta control. And now the blood pressure is sitting pretty at 146/101… “a heart attack waiting to happen”, she called me. Of course I am! Why wouldn’t I be?! ‘Cause you know, I don’t have enough issues otherwise… I gotta have one foot in the grave too?

And I am still not pregnant. I am no closer now than when I started. I don’t even know how close I’ve come to success since I don’t actually release an egg each month. All that sex for nothing– because trust me, there are few feelings left in that department when we’re trying. Sorry, but it’s true. There’s too much pressure to procreate to actually enjoy it. It is all so pointless now, in retrospect.

Honestly, I’d like to rewind to two years ago and talk myself out of trying. Talk myself into dieting and exercising more back then, making sure that I am as healthy as I can be so that I wasn’t going through all this BS now.

I am just so very over it.

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Responses

  1. So today you clear the slate. You start again and you make YOURSELF AND YOUR HEALTH the number one priority. If you are not healthy, then the chances of a successful pregnancy and birth diminish. Being pregnant today would only jeopardize your health and turn you and your loved ones into nervous wrecks. You can do this – you deserve it.


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