Posted by: angelnorman | June 17, 2010

it’s a great struggle, really

i’m finally at a point where i can say enough.

i find that when i am overwhelmed, the best thing i can do for myself is to allow time to heal, or to at least allow myself  time enough to reach that point where i can begin to heal anyways. and here i am, almost a week later, finally feeling okay with everything that has been happening. it’s no longer hard to put on a happy face and move forward. i no longer feel that i simply can’t pretend i’m okay with things. instead, i know it. i know that i am and will be okay.

dealing with infertility is so hard. no one knows what it’s like until they experience it themselves. i know a lot of women who tried for less than a year and then got pregnant; i know fewer women who have tried longer with no results. it’s those women that i identify with now, because that is the group of women that i am a part of.  for two years we’ve been trying. two long years full of struggle, heartache, and that gut-wrenching feeling that overtakes me each time i am faced with the reality that i am not ovulating like a normal woman. this is no mere case of bad timing. there is something else going on, something else that won’t allow me to get pregnant.

the worst thing i struggle with though, is my faith. i know without a doubt that God hears my prayers. i know that He has a plan. i understand that every now and again, He’s going to say “No” because He knows better than i do what i need, what our family needs, and what we can and cannot handle. i know that He is the only reason i made it through Nick’s birth with a shred of sanity. i know that only He can bring me peace.

but it’s hard to hear “no”, when you feel like you’re doing everything right. it seems like such an injustice. i keep thinking about crackhead women able to have babies and young teenage girls getting pregnant multiple times. i don’t understand God’s plan in that, but i know He must have one, as i believe He has a plan for all of us. still. how is that fair? mike and i can afford a child. both of us are working in our home all day and would be able to provide ample care and then some to a baby or two right now. and then i have to hear my fertility specialist say “no. not right now.” and my primary care doctor say, “it’s not in your best interest.” and God saying, “no, you can’t have what you want right now.”

i find that i have to constantly remind myself that God’s “no” doesn’t mean He loves me any less. and more specifically, His “no” doesn’t mean no… forever.  it simply means i need to heed the warnings of my doctors and take care of me. it means that He is looking out for me, and He is focused on what is going to be best for Angel.

typically, i’m not a selfish person; i find it extremely difficult to even think about my needs. as a mother, i have spent almost 6 years thinking about my son first and foremost. as a wife, i have spent 10 years thinking of the needs of my husband. in that time, the most i’ve ever done for ME was buying new clothes/shoes and getting my hair did. and now i have to focus, and i mean REALLY focus, on myself. i have to watch everything i eat. i have got to give up the ciggies and consume way less caffeine. i have to shed about 70 more pounds. i have to exercise and drink water more, eat less carbs. i have to control my blood pressure, take my medications properly, spend more time listening to the needs of my body.

and for someone who really doesn’t do that, it’s kind of overwhelming.

but, like i said, i know i’ll be okay. i just KNOW it. i will break through this fog that is over me, and i will do what needs to be done ’cause that’s how i handle my business. but it’s going to take me some time. i can’t fix everything in a day; all i can do is try.

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Responses

  1. hugs hugs hugs hugs

  2. I love you!!

  3. well said. sometimes you have to give in to the feelings and the fog will lift in its own time. its hard to focus on ourselves when we are so used to caring for others. i’m sure taking small steps each day will help you begin a new habit of self care that will soon become second nature! love you!


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