Posted by: angelnorman | July 6, 2010

blah blah blee

This is one half of my living room as of thirty minutes ago.

There is laundry everywhere in this house from all of our running in and out, changing clothes between activities, trying to keep our dirty clothes together in one place so that we could, if we had the time, put some things in to the wash. We (obviously) haven’t had much time these days. Between trips to the funeral home, time spent with family for the holiday this weekend, and us being sick for most of last week, we’ve had no time/energy/desire to clean anything up. Our living room is looking very sad and being in it makes me sad too. So today’s the day! We finally have nothing else requiring our attention and no place to go so cleaning it is. No more messiness.

Emotionally, I’ve been feeling rather turbulent lately. I feel like someone has come and sapped away all my optimism, all my joy, and all of my happiness. Things just keep happening- bad things like deaths and loss all around us- and I just keep worrying about everything. It’s a very bad combo, me and worry.  My friend Carrie and I talked the other day and she said she thinks I’m just exhausted. To be honest, I am. I am completely exhausted. I have no more energy now to do much of anything. I have no desire to be around a lot of people, save for my family, and even being with some of them makes me anxious and irritable. I’ve been feeling this way since the flood– the flood is what started this whole mess of anxiety, depression, and other issues I’ve been dealing with. My in-laws lost their home. My grandparents had to rebuild theirs. I got a few more health issues. Kenneth died. Granny Norman died. Uncle Jerry died. My father-in-law lost his tractor in a fire. My ILs neighbor was found floating in the river 4th of July morning– and he was one of the ones that helped them when their house flooded. They still don’t know what happened to him. I mean, I’ve had to think a lot about death, much more than anyone should think about it… and I’ve had to sort of suppress my anxiety a lot to be able to stand strong for Mike while he grieved with his family.

And I’m sorry, but I think funerals just bring out the worst in me. Every time I go to one, I am forced to think of the loved ones I’ve buried in the past, and no doubt my Granny is always at the forefront of my mind. Six years ago this month, we said our goodbyes to her and I’ve still not let go. I can’t. I know that she’s in heaven, that she wouldn’t want me missing her all the time… It’s not like I sit around boohooing for her anymore or anything. I mean, sometimes I do… but it’s not on a regular basis. In the past two weeks, I’ve especially missed her because I’m surrounded by memories, tributes, and family and it reminds me so much of when we buried her.

Then there’s this growing tension between me and Mike, because he’s stressed out and I’m stressed out and Nick is being such a five year old and things at home are just hard. Uncle Jerry’s fiance Diane said the other night of Michael and I, “You two are so sweet together”, and the very first thing I thought was, “Wow do we have them fooled.” I kid, I kid. We ARE sweet together… but things have been tough and weird this past week. Most of it’s me, honestly. I’m struggling with myself, my weight, my issues. I’m having a hard time being ME and I’m taking it out on him because he’s not doing what I think he should be doing in making me feel better. Meanwhile, he’s turned inward, as deaths-in-the-family always make him do. He’s having a hard time with things as well and taking them out on me by not giving 100% to the marriage–  because he can’t. It’s not like he’s being mean on purpose or anything; he’s just as exhausted as I am. It’s just a mess.

Things will ease up and everything will be honky-dory again soon, but for now… we’re liable to bite one another’s head off at any moment. And in anyone in our path will more than likely be made to feel very uncomfortable. Never fear though; we love each other to much to be in peril marriage-wise. We’re going to work through it all; I think we’ve just had two years worth of stress catch up to us this week and neither of us are coping very well.

It is what it is.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. big HUGS


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: