Posted by: angelnorman | September 21, 2010

ups and downs

Yesterday I saw a red-leafed tree standing alone smack-dab in the middle of a hillside full of green. Fall is coming! I exclaimed. How exciting the thought of sweater-weather is to me!

Unfortunately, the one little red tree is not exciting enough to keep me from pining for autumn. I want it to be fall right now. As in today. It’s unbearably hot here still- a whopping 99 degrees in my neck of the woods at this very moment. I’m kind of afraid that fall will be skipped completely and that all the leaves will simply turn brown and die because of heat exhaustion the day before winter begins. One day? 95 degrees. The next? 40.

I’ve been struggling with my mood a lot lately. One- I’m approaching my “time”, if you catch my drift. Two- I stopped taking my antidepressant two weeks ago because I was hopeful that since things were settling down and all was well in the world of Angel, I could just stop taking it for awhile to see if I needed it. Apparently I need it more than I realized as last night I had the biggest breakdown out of the blue. Yesterday was glorious- I got up, took Nick to school, drove to the ‘ville and had my lab tests done, had myself some coffee, picked up my pottery, went to Wal-Mart to purchase my neighbors a gift to congratulate them on their newest addition- a sweet baby girl. I was feeling good. Then I came home and wham! I got the worst headache I ever had in my life. My right eye was aching, a throbbing pain in it as though someone were stabbing me from inside of my brain. I felt nauseous, and then I couldn’t stop myself from throwing up (hey, I had 6 months of morning sickness… I no longer really try to keep my “throw-up” in. If I need to purge, I purge.) After that, I napped to calm my head, and when that was over, I felt much better.

But then later that night after dinner, I completely flipped out. Oh, I cried and cried about various things: my weight is up and down like a yo-yo (I’ve been down to 221, then back up to 225, then here I am in the middle at 223… I just can’t seem to break past 220!), I cried about wanting a pizza and not being able to have it, I cried about my sister, I cried about wanting a baby so bad I could hardly stand it. Mike and I sat outside for awhile talking about how I feel so much of what I do always ends up being done for nothing, i.e., the past two years I’ve spent trying to have a baby. I don’t blame myself for that, necessarily. In fact, I still get quite ticked at my doctor for leaving me on that lowest dosage of clomid for an entire year without bothering to check whether or not my progesterone levels were even where they should be. If someone would have told me in year one that it wasn’t going to work, or that I didn’t ovulate, or that maybe I should try a different dosage of clomid, that would have saved me so much time! I have gone through excess pain, hot flashes, heartache, etc for no reason whatsoever except for the fact that my doctor was a douchebag and I wasn’t proactive.

But it’s not just the baby… it’s literally everything I seem to do. Paying off debt only to end up in more debt because we needed a new car. Or you know, education. Cleaning the house one day only to have to clean it the next because no one here helps me maintain it. You know, things like that.

And then of course I’m just blah in general. All these things at once are not helping to keep me mellow.

So today I’ve been trying to keep myself from thinking too much. I’ve done some dishes, some laundry, and sat around on my butt talking about the south beach diet and spoiled brat friends and family with one of my closest girlfriends. I’ve surfed the web looking at inspirational quotes and photos. I’ve perused some of my favorite “round-up” blogs that are basically all about inspiration in home decor, lifestyle, love, spirituality. I’ve tried really hard to keep from thinking about my weight, my lack of baby, the fact that my fertility doctor hasn’t called with my results.

I’ve made plans for myself in the coming weeks, for something to look forward to.

-Find more recipes for my first ever Thanksgiving dinner. (yep, we’re doing our own this year, with almost all healthy recipes except of course for mashed potatoes. I WILL eat some mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving, dammit.)

– Buy some hats. I love that Target “you totally wear hats” commercial. It makes me smile. I look awful in hats, but that little bucket hat thing she wears while walking through the apple orchard is super cute. And walking through an apple orchard seems like a total hat-wearer type of activity to do.

-Finish painting my darn living room. (i know!)

– Let my hair grow. Okay, so this is more of a “coming months” sort of plan, but I am completely jealous of all this luscious wavy hair I’m seeing all over the place lately. My hair will not be that thick and voluminous, but I can let it grow a little longer and wave it up. Wouldn’t kill me.

– Buy myself something nice. Other than hats for $14.99. I’m thinking some Perry Ellis perfume as I cannot. stop. smelling my Glamour magazine’s scent strip.

– Make more things with my hands. I love painting, writing, knitting, creating jewelry or funky house decor that you simply can’t buy… Any of that would be great.

I’m not sure what any of this will help me to accomplish as it technically only helps me not think about things. It doesn’t make the issues themselves go away. But it’s worth a shot. ‘Cause really, it’s no secret that if Mama ain’t happy, NOBODY’s happy. And Mama? Is kind of struggling.

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Responses

  1. Angel, your writing is just so interesting, no matter what you write about. I need to start a blog for myself, for I enjoy writing so much about things in my life in general. Maybe you can lead me into just how you go about writing a blog.

    So you all are staying at home this year for Thanksgiving and doing the dinner bit yourself? You know until I had my children, I always stayed home and cooked for me and Roy and any one who wanted to come and share Thanksgiving dinner with me.

    Honey, I pray that things will get better for you, sweet baby, and if you all still are desperately wanting another child, then I pray that our precious Lord will decide to give you another little one. You and Mike are both great parents, and I know by looking just how much Nick loves the two of you.

    Angel, honey, I love you all and we need to get together very soon. So I will start working on that and call you with a date, either to come over here to eat or go out to choose your menu, entre’ and everything else. Please keep in touch with us if you can find yourself doing it. You think??????

    Well I will close right now, I think. I have been hurting badly in my right leg, and it is aching and lots of pain, and it sort of feels like it is on fire starting with my back (Sciatic nerve) and travelling down into my foot. I have a Dermatologist appointment for a complete body scan of all these “things” I have on my arms, neck, and back and legs. I even have a few on my face. I pray that the doc will tell me something I can do to help some of these ugly places. Everly says I have a lot of boo-boos. And she has such a serious face when she points to them and says, Nanny has a lot of boo-boos, and one day she patted my cheek. Well a lot of my hair has disappeared from the crown of my head, and when the skin is taken care of, I will then try for help on my hair, even if I can do nothing but buy a pretty wig.

    Take care of yourself and the family, and we will keep in touch. okay? We are about to get things mostly settled now and I am getting excited about the whole thing now. You take care sweetheart, and give Mike and Nick a big sloppy kiss from Nanny Dot. Night for now, sugar. luv ya, and need to try some sleep again, the leg has been throbbing so badly, no sleep will ever meet me half way, tonight; let alone overpower me, like it usually does. God bless, granddaughter. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX Slurp, slurp, slurp, and those are for Nick. Ha ha. I can just see the face he makes when you tell him that and say, ewwwwwwww. lol always, Nanners


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