Posted by: angelnorman | October 20, 2010

perfectionism.

Stomachache again for the past two days. Every time I see the word “stomachache”, I think of Everybody Loves Raymond, because Ray pronounced it “stow-mah-cha-chay”, and it makes me laugh. Or it would make me laugh if laughing didn’t make me feel like puking.

I celebrated reaching 210 a bit too early, as this weekend, I gained 2 lbs back, no doubt thanks to all of the alcohol I took in. I am slowly getting back down– today I weighed in at 211. Everyone keeps telling me how good I’ve done, but I don’t feel like I’ve done enough… there’s still so much more to go.

I am in this mindset now where I’ve turned into a complete perfectionist. People say, “You look so good” and all I can do is grab my belly roll and say, “Thanks, but this has to go!” I’ve never in my life been like that, save for my awkward teenage years when I was a perfect size 12 and felt like the biggest fat ass in the world. Looking back I realized I had quite a bit of issue with my body image, so much so that it took me years to feel comfortable naked. Years to not worry about what my husband was thinking during intimate moments or if he saw me getting dressed. I was incredibly awkward about it, and I was so much thinner than I am now.

Of course, my body image thing went out the window for good after I had Nick. Motherhood was more important to me than anything, and it still is! Suddenly though I didn’t worry so much about how fat I was.

And that’s why it was easy for me to be okay with my ever-expanding waistline. Plus, I mean, who cares what I look like to other people when I feel good about myself on the inside?

But on the other hand, I have to ask myself: who wants to just let herself go at the risk of dying much too young? If I were to continue down this path of being at an unhealthy weight, I wouldn’t be around very long for my kid. My fertility doctor said that I was a heart attack waiting to happen. She said that for real– about me! It really got me to thinking about my lifestyle choices and how “winging it” was no longer an option when it came to my weight. I was completely lost on what step to take to make a difference until I met my friend D and she told me about the South Beach Diet. I had no idea how to go about losing all the weight I knew in my heart I needed to lose.

So, see, that’s why I am back in this mode of “It’s not enough! I need to lose more!” I want to be a healthy weight, I want to know that I can do it. My mind is made up on this. I’d rather be 170 lbs right now than pregnant.  That is NOT something I would have said 3 months ago. But it’s true for me now that I’ve finally gotten down to the lowest weight I’ve been since giving birth. I’m 10 lbs away from being my pre-pregnancy weight 6 years ago!

I just don’t want to be too hard on myself and fall back into my awkward body-hating stage. And it’s a fine line for me, because I’m really hard to please apparently. I am never doing enough of what I feel I should be doing. Nothing is ever good enough for me, when it comes to me.

What is that about? I wish I knew.

 

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