Posted by: angelnorman | December 10, 2010

whine whine whine, oh woe is me

this evening, i had a mini-breakdown over the christmas decor.

i have been, for lack of better words, sick of looking at it this week. it is not up to par with my ridiculously high standards– there’s not enough red on the tree, the bathrooms look sparse, the “feeling” of my decor isn’t right, and it’s more clutterish than i can bear. i put some cheap-o floormat with santa’s face and letters reading, “ho ho ho!” down in nick’s bathroom, just something i picked up on one of my weekly trips to the dollar tree, and one of the dogs peed all over santa’s crisp white beard.

nothing so far this christmas seems to be going right, and i am depressed. deeply depressed. it has taken me two weeks to realize this, so i’m trying not to blow it off like it’s no big deal. i do, however, keep reminding myself that i’m sure i’ll feel different when christmas is over. and isn’t that just sad?

but it’s not just the christmas stuff; that’s a mere trigger. i’ve hurt someone’s  feelings, someone i love. i made them feel as though i take them for granted, and while i most certainly never intended to do such, i’ve done it nonetheless. when i learned what i did, it broke my heart and i cried. i was asked to petend we never had the conversation, to think of it as behind us, but i am stuck on thinking about it anyways. i don’t like hurting people, but i seem to do it. a lot.

i’ve been distant to my friends. the truth is i don’t want to see anyone or “hang out” or go to parties or cookie exchanges. i want to sit in my house, or more to the point, my garage, and smoke cigarettes until i get rid of this funk. having friends text me and tell me they miss me makes me sad, because i know that the fault lies mostly with me. i’ve completely blown people off– everyone except kristi, who, let’s face it, is more of a sister to me than a friend and so i see her pretty regularly.

then there’s the fact that i’ve been snappy with mike every day, and he’s been snappy with me. nick is incredibly wired these days, no doubt because he knows hat christmas break is coming and he is excited for santa’s visit and two weeks off of school.all of this “tension” in the house is making me crazy. i take regular garage breaks just to get away.

on the crafting front, i’ve tried and failed at so many things. i tried to make myself a wreath– and you should know how much i *love* doing that by now, but my last wreath was a major flop. like to the point where i cried.

all this since thanksgiving. i have cried or wanted to cry or teared up and tried to cry but couldn’t every day since thanksgiving.

then this afternoon, i completely snapped when i discovered that one of my dogs peed on my tree skirt.

“this,” i said to nick. “is exactly why i haven’t wrapped any presents to put under the tree yet. THIS is the kind of crap i have to deal with! they would piss all over our presents!”

yes, i cussed. it felt good, for a moment… till i remembered i was talking to nick. and then, you guessed it, i wanted to cry.

i don’t know what’s gotten into me, but i do know that i feel a great urge to clean… and that is usually what i feel right before i realize “enough is enough” and that i should stop my self-pity before i go crazy. but looking at this house makes me ill and so i guess i’m not there yet. the diet coke cans littering my desk will just have to wait till another day.

i don’t want to be here right now. i want to get in my car and just drive… but it’s late and i’m in my pj’s and i have really greasy hair from trying to wean myself off of shampoo (more on that at a later date, i’m sure…)

so to the garage i go.

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Responses

  1. I hate funks. And you are not alone, the only friend I’ve talked to in weeks is Laura and thats only every few days. Don’t feel guilty or sad about that, I think true friends understand. Its good that you can see yourself snapping out of the funk soon, but I know it still sucks in the meantime….especially around Christmas time when we’re supposed to be all joyous and crap. I love you girl, and let me know if you want to do some coffee talk sometime soon.


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