Posted by: angelnorman | January 31, 2011

on the other foot.

It was three years ago this month that we started trying to have our second child. Two years ago that I started taking fertility drugs. One year ago that I was referred to a fertility specialist.

In the past few years, I have been absolutely torn apart by heartache, ripped to shreds by every birth announcement, completely ravaged by people’s questions of when were we trying for more or when would we give Nicholas a sibling. (‘Cause you know, it’s soooooo easy.) My friends have been afraid to share their joys with me, for fear it would hurt my feelings. (And this has happened even more recently– try last week when my friend told me that he didn’t want to upset me by telling me sooner that he and his wife were expecting their second child.)

I have struggled.

But I called out for divine intervention– and I got it. God helped me to resolve the situation by taking away my desire for something that has been, and may forever be, unattainable. I have felt completely at ease with everything since then. Peace has entered my heart… and I no longer yearn for a little baby to care for. In fact, I’ve kinda done a 360… I don’t know how many times in the past few months I have been downright thankful that I have only one child. Seriously. Like, a “HALLELUJAH!” kind of thankfulness, at that.

I bet Mike knows how many times I’ve made the comment aloud that I was glad I didn’t have to change diapers, worry about middle of the night feedings, or deal with the stress of having more than one child to cater to. I’m sure he knows because it breaks his heart every time.

He hasn’t said anything to me about it, but he doesn’t have to. I hear his little comments about babies we see in public, about how he wishes we had a little baby girl to put dresses and bows on, or the longing in his voice when he leans over to me and says, “I wonder if they would mind if I held their baby….” All these comments were made today, as a matter of fact, and that wasn’t the first time I’ve heard him say such things. Nick was invited to a first birthday of his friend’s little brother, and so we took him up to Chuck E Cheese. These people are our neighbors, and either their 7-year old (maybe 8?) kid is at my house three times a week or my kid is at theirs, but I barely know them. Sure, I know their names. And I trust them with my kid, so I know enough about their characters to make that call. But I don’t know them well enough to know their little baby. I don’t go and hang out with them or anything. (I would, but I just haven’t made much effort to hang with them, nor have they made an effort to come and hang with us.)

Nick loves the little brother so much, though, and tells me about him all the time. Just last week, Nick was with their family when Tristen (the baby) took his first steps. Nick’s mind was so blown that he got to watch a baby take his first steps that it was all he talked about today on the way to the party.

Mike wanted to hold the baby at the party. Mike just loves babies. I said, “Then ask.” But he never did because he was probably thinking the same thing I was thinking… I wouldn’t let some random person just hold my baby, so why would they? But Mike was admiring all of the babies in the room. Mike did the same thing at church, making comments about the baby grunts coming from the row of seats in front of us as a mother fed her child during the service.

Mike wants another kid. And I’m guessing his heart is broken every time I make light of that. Just like my heart was broken for so long by so many different things and people.

I find this terribly unfair, and not just to Mike.

So I finally feel okay with everything… I’ve finally resolved that if it never happens again, I’ll be okay (probably more than okay)…. and then the desire is stirred up in my husband? How unjust is that? I’ve been praying about it all afternoon and evening. How am I supposed to precede with things now? Am I supposed to give in to the will of my husband and keep trying, trying, trying only to just put myself back into that position to get hurt repeatedly? Or am I supposed to try and talk him out of his desire for baby 2? I literally have no idea how to handle this situation. I want so bad to just throw my hands up and be done with it all, but at the risk of hurting my husband’s feelings? After all, I KNOW what that heartache is like. I know how longing for a baby hurts so badly, especially when there’s babies or pregnancies all around you! I know what it’s like to want something so much, you physically ache for it. So how can I go “eh, he’ll get over it!” and turn my back to his pain when I have been there myself and he never, not once, turned his back to me?

It makes me sad, but I’m at a loss, really. I know it’s selfish but I can’t do that to myself again. And I love my husband and certainly don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t allow that kind of disappointment back into my life. Not yet. Not until I’m better equipped to deal with it. Three years is a long time to go through the roller coaster of emotions. I know that some women do it for decades. I know, but it doesn’t matter honestly, how long you deal with it… Dealing with it at all, no matter the amount of time you spend, sucks. I mean it literally sucks– it sucks the life right out of you. Ask anyone who’s trying to conceive what they feel like when they get that big fat no on their pregnancy test, and I promise you that if they say, “It’s okay. There’s always next time!” then they are in serious need of a hug. Or chocolate. Or a bottle of wine. It is NEVER okay to fail at trying to conceive, not in the hearts of those wannabe moms and dads, not until they are done trying in one way or another.

Some serious decisions need to be made around here, and I just don’t wanna deal with it right now.

Big. Fat. Sigh.

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